I was outside grilling shish-kababs with my husband while our kids were bouncing around like the jumping beans they are, when my phone buzzed with a text message from a good friend. “Call me. Jake and I are having serious issues.”
This friend is a bit of a dramatic, but still, I excused myself from the backyard cookout, dialed her number and waited for her to drop the bomb. While the line was ringing, all I could think was, what in the wide world did this sorry bastard do now? Am I going to have to open up the dusty can of good, old-fashioned whoop-ass on him? Dammit, I really liked him too.
When she finally answered, her voice had just a touch of fury as she explained the events leading up to her and her husband’s argument. And when she finally gathered enough courage to spit it out, she told me, well, screamed at me, “I found porn in Jake’s browser history on his phone! Jake is watching porn!” She sounded as if the world had tipped off its freaking axis right then and there.
And I left the cookout — FRESH OFF THE GRILL SHISH-KABABS — for this?
For someone having no basis of being able to relate to her rational feelings, I did my best to somewhat comfort her distressed state. But at the same time, I gave her my honest opinion on the matter, and I can only imagine how she might’ve taken it to mean I was siding with her husband.
Because while I do understand how some women may feel betrayed by this, I just don’t feel this way. In this particular situation with my friend, she felt hurt because she was only three weeks postpartum, and she knew her body didn’t look like paid porn stars’ bodies usually do.
I know not all men are the same, but my husband is a very visual being. Meaning, he needs something to visually satisfy him in order for him to orgasm. Even when we are having sex together, it’s more pleasurable if it’s happening during the day or when the lights are on.
And when he has his sneaky moments of porn-gazing from time to time, he claims that’s because he cannot reach that happy moment by himself without watching something to help him do so.
Is he giving me excuses to justify his actions of watching porn? Maybe. But do I give a damn? Not at all.
In my experience, watching porn while in a relationship is not betrayal; it’s human nature. And to me, it’s not a slippery slope toward cheating. Why? Because my husband is not a cheater, nor am I. But yet, I still watch porn on the rare and horny occasion I need a visual pick-me-up.
I’m not going to lie and say that I’m itching to have sex every single time my husband wants to, and I won’t lie and say he has sex with me every single time that I get the urge. But our sex life is one of the healthiest things about our relationship. So why do I care if he tries some of nature’s Ambien in the bathroom before bed? To answer it bluntly, I don’t.
If I’m being honest, porn is what helped me come out of my shell in the bedroom. Growing up in a conservative church-going home like I did, I was taught to believe that premarital sex, masturbation, and watching porn were sinful.
So because of that, I had a really hard time opening up about what I wanted out of sex as an adult. And, to be fair, these issues didn’t just stem from sex with my husband — it was this way with every man before him as well. I wanted to ask for the things I desired in the bedroom, but I felt like a silly child on the verge of laughing for doing so.
But porn changed that for me.
I’m uncertain what happened to make my husband and me start watching porn together in the beginning. But when we did, I usually had the pick of the genre. And those porn searches became my subliminal way of telling him, “The sex is great, but smack my ass and toss me around a little, would ya?”
Since he’s taken heed to my sneaky clues, our sex life is not at all what it used to be… in a good way. Now, we are open and honest about what makes us comfortable and uncomfortable in the bedroom, and my subliminal messages aren’t needed.
I won’t solely attribute this change in the bedroom to the porn itself. After all, we both have grown quite a bit from the people we were when we first started dating (me, at a mere 19 years old). But I will say that watching porn together and being able to voice what I needed sexually, gave me a huge boost of courage. It was our “icebreaker,” if you will.
Looking back, I still can’t believe I was ever so shy around my husband during our most intimate moments. That seems so silly to me now. But if it weren’t for the boldness I felt when showing my husband what kind of porn I enjoyed, we might still be living a sexually unpleasing life together.
I won’t pretend this works for all couples, but it’s been just fine for us. It works because we’re transparent and continually open about it. If I wanted to search my husband’s browser history right now, I would find his porn searches undeleted if he’d been watching it recently… and I would not care, because there are no secrets.
I’m aware that porn can be a real addiction for some, and I’m not belittling the hold it has on certain relationships, but my husband and I aren’t addicted. It’s the release we go to individually when we don’t feel like putting forth the physical effort of having sex…. and that’s okay for us.
I know my husband. So for now, I don’t care if he watches porn in the bathroom on occasion.