Toddler-Toting Mom Confronts Head Of EPA At Restaurant: ‘I Want You To Resign’

She held her son, telling Pruitt ‘He likes clean air’

A concerned mother confronted Trump’s Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Scott Pruitt in a DC restaurant this week, urging him to resign.

“EPA head Scott Pruitt was 3 tables away as I ate lunch with my child. I had to say something,” Kristin Mink wrote on her Facebook page. “This man is directly and significantly harming my child’s — and every child’s — health and future with decisions to roll back environmental regulations for the benefit of big corporations, while he uses taxpayer money to fund a lavish lifestyle.”

In a video, Mink — who is also a schoolteacher —  told Pruitt, “This is my son. He loves animals. He loves clean air. He loves clean water. Meanwhile, you’re slashing strong fuel standards for cars and trucks for the benefit of big corporations.”

Mink, like the badass she truly is, rattled off a few more of her concerns, including Pruitt’s $50-per-night condo rental which is connected to a prominent energy lobbyist, the fact that he’s responsible for cutting regulations and approval of fossil fuel projects, and continues to undo many of Obama’s regulations related to water and air quality and climate change.

“We deserve somebody at the EPA who actually does protect our environment,” Mink continued. “I would urge you to resign before your scandals push you out.”

In March of this year the administration said publicly they would be “rewriting Obama-era rules governing pollution from oil and gas operations and coal ash dumps,” the AP reported, which will have significant impacts on our environment and the overall health and well-being of its inhabitants.

This most recent run-in comes at a time when many in Trump’s administration are being confronted in public. Sarah Sanders was recently asked to leave a Virginia restaurant after the owner explained to the press secretary that “the restaurant has certain standards that I feel it has to uphold, such as honesty, and compassion, and cooperation.” Kirstjen Nielsen, the secretary of homeland security, was heckled by protesters while dining out as well.

“Administrator Pruitt always welcomes input from Americans, whether they agree or disagree with the decisions being made at EPA. This is evident by him listening to her comments and going on to thank her, which is not shown in the video,” EPA spokesman Lincoln Ferguson says in a statement. “His leaving had nothing to do with the confrontation, he had simply finished his meal and needed to get back to EPA for a briefing.”

“He’s corrupt, he’s a liar, he’s a climate change denier,” Mink writes. “And as a public servant, he should not be able to go out in public without hearing from the citizens he’s hurting.”

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Harvey Weinstein’s Latest Charges Could Land Him In Prison For Life

Charges include predatory sexual assault which could carry a life sentence

Disgraced former film producer Harvey Weinstein faces three new charges this week, one of which could land him in prison for the rest of his life.

New York County District Attorney Cyrus Vance announced that these new charges include an additional count of Criminal Sexual Act in the First Degree stemming from an incident in 2006. Of the more than 80 women who have accused Weinstein of sexual harassment, misconduct, and assault, these latest charges are his most serious yet.

This additional count of a criminal sexual act in the first degree is for “a forcible sexual act against an unidentified woman,” the third victim to surface in his criminal case. He’s also being charged with two counts of predatory sexual assault, a Class A-II felony, which carries a sentence from ten years minimum, and a maximum of life in prison.

The indictment alleges that he “engaged in oral sex by forcible compulsion” around July 10, 2006, in New York, the LA Times reports.

“A Manhattan Grand Jury has now indicted Harvey Weinstein on some of the most serious sexual offenses that exist under New York’s Penal Law,” Vance said in a statement. “This indictment is the result of the extraordinary courage exhibited by the survivors who have come forward.”

Jodi Kantor and The New York Times broke the initial Weinstein story last fall — reporting that has since earned Kantor and her team the Pulitzer Prize.

Weinstein was arrested in May after being charged first and third-degree rape, criminal sexual acts, sex abuse, and sexual misconduct on two women. The forcible sexual acts on those charges allegedly occurred in 2013 and 2004, respectively. He immediately posted the $1 million bail and pleaded not guilty to all charges.

His arrest marked a significant victory for the #MeToo movement in which countless victims have had the courage to come forward to accuse powerful figures like Louis CK, Matt Lauer, Kevin Spacey, Sylvester Stallone, Morgan Freeman, and many others. TIME magazine even named The Silence Breakers as the 2017 Person of the Year, honoring not one woman, but all women who were brave enough to come forward and say, “No more.”

It’s been almost nine months since the initial charges against Weinstein came to the public’s attention. Since then, actors such as Ashley Judd, Gwyneth Paltrow, Angelina Jolie, Rose McGowan, and many others have come forward to share their heartbreaking stories of abuse at the hands of Weinstein. The New York Times broke the story and since then countless women have joined together to share their own accounts of his horrendous behavior.

New York City is the first city to bring charges against the former producer.

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Mario Batali Included A Recipe In His Harassment Apology Because He’s Ridiculous

Nothing says ‘I’m sorry’ like some goddamn cinnamon rolls

You’ve probably already heard that celebrity chef Mario Batali has been accused of sexual misconduct by multiple women. He, like the dozens before him, then issued an apology but decided his apology needed to really stand out from the others and so he included a recipe with it.

Sadly, we’re not kidding.

A report published by Eater detailed four accounts of women who claimed that Batali “touched them inappropriately in a pattern of behavior that appears to span at least two decades.”

He issued an initial (recipe-free) apology stating he was “deeply sorry” and was promptly fired from his hosting gig on The Chew and stepped down from his hospitality group.

Image via MarioBatali.com

Batali then doubled down and issued another apology, this time in newsletter form which was sent via email to those signed up for his website. It read in part, “My behavior was wrong and there are no excuses. I take full responsibility. Sharing the joys of Italian food, tradition and hospitality with all of you, each week, is an honor and privilege. I will work every day to regain your respect and trust.”

Then he adds the kicker:

“ps. in case you’re searching for a holiday-inspired breakfast, these Pizza Dough Cinnamon Rolls are a fan favorite.”

No way did this happen except it actually did because it’s 2017 and of course it did.

Basically his “apology” amounted to, “I’ve been a total creep preying on women for over 20 years using my power and position to manipulate and harass them and if that doesn’t make you hungry, I don’t know what will, so here’s some fucking cinnamon rolls.”

As one can imagine, the chef has been lit up like a Christmas tree over his apology rolls on Twitter:

It’s anyone’s guess whose brainchild this was but if it weren’t Batali’s, someone on his marketing team should be fired along with him. On what planet would anyone in their right mind think this was a solid plan? Just an FYI, no woman wants to be groped or harassed while they are trying to work (or any place) and certainly no one wants this half-assed attempt at an apology by capitalizing on a “fan favorite.”

Batali, like so many others before him, seemed to find a way to make an apology to his victims all about himself.

Keep your cinnamon rolls to yourself dude, we’re good.

When Did Asking Someone To Homecoming Become Such A Big Production?

Back in my day, being asked to a homecoming dance was thrilling in and of itself. There was no pomp and circumstance, no grand gestures. It generally amounted to a boy nervously picking up the phone (yes, I’m so old we actually used to talk to each other on phones) and stammering, “Will you go with me?” at the person on the other line.

The end.

My daughter, officially a high-schooler this year, told me matter-of-factly that she would be attending her first ever school dance with a friend we know and approve. “Oh, that’s great honey,” I remarked. “When did he ask you?”

“Well, he told me he is asking me, but he hasn’t, like, ‘asked me’ asked me yet because it’s not all planned out yet,” she explained, while my brow furrowed in yet another dead giveaway of my uncoolness.

“Mom, you don’t just ask someone. It’s a whole production now,” she said impatiently while my mouth opened and closed like an oversized goldfish. Say what, now?

Kids today are coming up with all sorts of ways to outdo each other vying for the attention of potential homecoming dates. Spelling out “HC” in rose petals, creating elaborate scavenger hunts, slapping “Wanted” posters all over school hallways, or decorating their rooms with flowers and balloons. What’s next, a carrier-pigeon? And all the while they use social media to capture it and hopefully garner a “yes” (and hundreds of likes) in the process.

While kids today do get points for creativity, there are some very real drawbacks to this very public tradition.

For one, most of these “productions” require money, oftentimes lots of it. For kids (usually boys) who don’t have the means to keep up, it can leave them feeling inadequate and embarrassed. It can also require parents or friends to help construct these elaborate campaigns, leaving those who don’t participate feeling either guilty or more isolated.

Pressure also prods kids, usually boys, to ask their dates in fashion similar to their peers. Those with an aversion to attention may be deterred from attending a dance altogether, something that more than one of my boy-mom friends said their son would be doing. Throw in social media which makes these grand gestures instantly visible for all to see, and it’s just another way to ostracize kids who don’t get asked or aren’t comfortable doing the asking.

We are also sending a message to those on the receiving end, in most cases young girls, that they can’t say no. My daughter and many of her friends are of the opinion that if a boy goes to this amount of effort to ask them, regardless of how they feel about their suitor, they would never, ever say no. It doesn’t matter how disappointed a girl is or who she actually wanted to go with, she will be deemed the rude or bitchy one for declining.

Aren’t we teaching our girls from a very early age that, no matter how uncomfortable they are or whether they want to go or not, their feelings matter less than someone who exerted so much effort on their behalf. That she is somehow indebted to him and owes him that date he worked so hard to get.

It seems like a lot of unnecessary stress on both sides of the equation. You aren’t asking for that person’s hand in marriage here; you are attending a school dance together. Can we just leave it at a phone call and save the big, sweeping gestures for when it really matters?

Here Are All The Reasons People Need To STFU About ‘Post-Baby Bodies’

Our bodies go through enough during pregnancy, can we please give ourselves a break?

UK based actress and writer, Tova Leigh, just dropped a new video on her Facebook page that 100 percent of women can relate to (and if you can’t, please go far, far away). In it, she describes herself as still looking “six months pregnant” after having her last child and is here to tell us she could care less. And if we find ourselves in a similar situation, neither should we.

Leigh understands the pressure we feel to get back to their pre-pregnancy weight 30 seconds after we deliver our babies and has a few words to help us reset our expectations. Leigh believes we have more important things to worry about, like “Getting our organs back to where they’re actually supposed to be inside our bodies and “that (our) liver is not shoved up (our) throat.”

Leigh writes about motherhood, women, and body image on her website, and in her latest video tackles the ever-present issue of the expectation for women to squeeze out a baby then wear their pre-pregnancy jeans home from the hospital. She is the mom to “three beautiful know-it-all divas”  — so she’s an expert .

Image via Facebook/Tova Leigh

As our bodies are trying to get our internal organs back to where they are meant to be, some of us also have to deal with our sweet little angels ripping us back to front like a goddamn horror movie. “God bless him with that big head ripped the shit out of us so we’ve got like 300 stitches down there,” Leigh says in the video.

Image via Facebook/Tova Leigh

Then, there is the first poop (I still have flashbacks almost six years later) or “waking up in a puddle of milk” from leaking. Nipples are circular sprinklers, ladies — that stuff gets everywhere.

The bottom line is our bodies just birthed another human, which is a miracle unto itself, and we need a little time to recover. The last thing we should worry about is how flat our stomachs look. Leigh talks about society’s obsession for new mothers to “bounce back.” Because there is nothing more important than how a woman looks. Nothing.

Leigh cautions women who are taking time to get back in shape not to compare themselves to Instagram pictures of celebrities or even the girl you went to elementary school with who just had a baby yesterday and “accidentally” admits she already weighs what she did in junior high. No one is buying your shit, Debbie.

Image via Facebook/Tova Leigh

Leigh says these women may appear as if they are the same woman as before they had a baby, but “I guarantee you when she sneezes, she pisses herself a little bit. Just like the rest of us.” All of us are dealing with something, and the last thing we need is to feel like we are failing because we look like we just gave birth. Because, HOLY SHIT, we just gave birth.

Motherhood is magnificent and also scary, exhausting, thankless and humbling. Whatever you are feeling in a moment, know there are millions of other mothers who have felt the same way, especially when it comes to losing the baby weight. We are here to tell you in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter. Not even a little bit.

“It’s safe to say we have some other issues to worry about,” Leigh explains. “So PISS OFF.”

Why My Vote Matters For My Children

As a mother of three kids, I’ve been thinking a lot about this election. To be honest, I am scared shitless — not just about what it means for our country, but it’s lasting impact on future generations. While it’s tempting to separate the two, we must admit as much as the character of our president defines our nation, who we vote for defines us as a person.

I want to be a role model for my children. I don’t want to have to look and them and say, “Do as I say, not as I do.” But this election forces us to make that distinction. So as a mom of three kids, here is what I cannot do:

Can you tell your children not to make fun of people who are different, not to ridicule disabled people, or mock people with a different religion, color or creed, and then vote for this man? I can’t.

Can you teach your children the basic principles of compassion and the importance of helping others, and then vote for a man like this? I can’t.

Can a mom vote for a man who proudly calls women “fat pigs,” and then tell your son not to treat women the same way? How can you rationalize that to your son? I can’t.

Can you teach your children not to be a bully on the playground or on social media, but give your vote to someone who does? I can’t.

Can you demonstrate integrity and honesty to your children but support someone who brags about shortchanging people in business dealings? I can’t.

Can you tell your kids not to bring you problems without suggesting a solution, while voting for someone who can’t articulate one himself, and whose only constructive answer to immigration is to build a big wall, which doesn’t actually solve the problem at all? I can’t.

In the words of John Oliver, “When we say I just want a politician who will tell me what he really thinks, we should specify that that politician should not be a total fucking monster.”

As I’ve tried to teach my children, once you say something, you can’t take those words back. Words matter. So you better be damn sure you mean them before you say them — because although some people will forgive you for things you say, they will never forget.

I know a lot of Trump’s followers like him because they want someone “different.” They are sick of the same old run-of-the-mill politicians. But different isn’t always better. Just ask the guy who invented the Watermelon Oreo. Stephen Hess, who served under Eisenhower and Nixon, recently said of Trump, “It’s incredibly depressing. He’s the most profoundly ignorant man I’ve ever seen at this level in terms of understanding the American presidency, and, even more troubling, he makes no effort to learn anything.”

This man has zero experience running a country and has yet to produce substantive detail behind any of his platforms. If your child needed a life-saving operation, would you go to a doctor who never attended medical school? Would you trust him with your child’s life if he’d never before performed the operation he was claiming your child needed? If you wouldn’t be willing to do this with your child, why would you be willing to do this with your country?

When I think about what this election means for my children, I’m reminded about the importance of teaching them to live their lives without fear. Trump’s entire campaign is built on instilling public fear that paints a picture of “poverty and violence at home, war and destruction abroad,” yet he’s offered no solution for how to improve this — except by turning people against Muslims, who he claims are mostly terrorists.

Do you know you have a one in 3.6 billion chance of getting killed by a terrorist in the United States? (Oh, and all Muslims aren’t terrorists, just in case you needed the reminder.) The chances of being killed by a shark are one in 3.7 million, but I’m not going to tell my kids never to swim in the ocean. This fear mongering is appalling. We cannot tell our kids to “just do it” and “have no fear” while supporting a reality show host conspiracy theorist who stokes the flames of fear and distrust.

This really is more than politics. It goes to the heart of who we are as people and parents. We are better than this. Our kids deserve better than this.

And they need us to show them the way.

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How To Spot A New Mom In Public

How To Spot A New Mom In Public

South_agency / iStock

Being a new mom is hard work. Whether it’s your first or fourth, the weeks and months after your child is born can be a whirlwind of tears, laughter, and lots and lots of poop. While it can be satisfying to spend entire days lounging in your pj’s staring at your baby, it’s a good idea to get out and about once in a while. There is a very small window where babies are portable and immobile, so take advantage of it while you can. Plus, all of us seasoned moms are just dying to harass you with unsolicited parenting advice. Don’t worry about seeking us out; we will be able to spot you.

1. You could give a Sherpa a run for his money with the amount of baby-related items you can carry at once. You are regularly late to meet friends because you have an entire nursery school fashioned to your back.

2. You are the first person in the Target parking lot every morning.

3. You cannot bring yourself to perform such harrowing activities as cutting the baby’s nails, taking their temperature up the balloon knot, or adorning your baby in anything other than Pima cotton clothing washed in Dreft and dried with unicorn whispers.

4. You spent the entire morning attempting to puree a rutabaga. You will explain to anyone who asks in excruciating detail how difficult it is to puree a rutabaga. We will have no choice but to act interested because you will not break eye contact. We think you may have fallen asleep with your eyes open, but it’s hard to tell.

5. You stare at your baby nonstop. You believe if you do not have visual contact with your baby he may vanish into thin air.

6. You post dozens of photos and videos of your kid on Instagram, Facebook, PicCollage, and Snapchat. If there is an app that allows photos and followers, you’re on it (and we better like that shit if we want to remain in your circle of friends).

7. You remind us of our drunk friend Patrick who spends an uncomfortable amount of time staring into space and murmuring half-sentences.

8. Every shirt you own has a suspect stain on the right shoulder that could be applesauce, breast milk, yogurt, snot, or any combination thereof.

9. You are carrying a newborn.

10. You feel totally comfortable telling anyone who asks about your episiotomy, chapped nipples, and consistency of your child’s feces.

11. You are routinely spotted at the local zoo thoughtfully pointing out each animal to your baby. We will not, under any circumstance, mention the baby cannot actually see the animals. Even we do not want to be on the receiving end of another sleep-deprived new mom.

12. If we stop moving for too long, you try to swaddle us. That also goes for our dog.

13. You will randomly find a Cheerio in your cleavage and eat it without giving a second thought.

14. Even if your child is not with you, we can find you rocking from side to side while waiting in the grocery store checkout.

15. If all else fails, we can check you out from behind. You’ll be the one wearing the cape. You got this, mama.

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9 Ways Parents Waste Their Money

9-Ways-Parents-Waste-Their-Money

Pavel L Photo and Video / via Shutterstock

Children, as a population, are akin to a vast hole where money goes to die. Parents spend approximately $250,000 to $490,000 raising a child. In the race to keep up with the Joneses, parents will do almost anything to ensure their child doesn’t go without. We cave and bribe and give in to keep our kids happy and occasionally (frequently) shut them up. I, for one, find myself wasting money in the following areas:

1. Claw Machines

I swear the owners of these machines superglue those claws together. Those puppies aren’t going anywhere, but you keep pumping money in so your kid doesn’t lose his marbles. If you somehow become the only parent in history to extract an animal, you likely will have paid $47 for a small stuffed giraffe. You will feel superior, but really you are just a person who paid $47 for a stuffed giraffe.

2. Pets

I’m not talking about the family dog here but the hundreds of county fair goldfish that have the life span of a fruit fly. Even though a rational adult brain knows these fish don’t have a chance, you still find yourself at Petco purchasing the bowl, food and tiny fish castle like the jackass that you are.

3. Restaurants

If your kids are anything like mine, they order the standard chicken fingers and fries and then proceed to fill up on chocolate milk before the food arrives. They eat exactly three bites and complain that they are full. You know what I’m full of kid? Debt.

4. Target

That’s it. All of the Target.

5. Clothes

Over the years, I have spent thousands of wasted dollars on clothing for my children. After the age of 4, 90 percent of these have been too babyish, too itchy, too collar-y, or my personal favorite: too blue. Apparently once boys reach the age of 9, they only need one pair of underwear which can be quite the money saver.

6. Most Baby Items

You do not need 85 percent of the things you think you need for your child. You do not need a $500 stroller unless it pours your wine and tells you you’re pretty. You don’t need wipe warmers, changing tables or Diaper Genies. You will change your baby in the trunk of your car or on your carpet or in your bed. Your dog will try to eat the cold, feces-covered wipes. Eventually you will let him because it’s easier.

7. Birthday Presents for Children Under the Age of 2

Find a cardboard box, some packing peanuts and a set of Tupperware and let them at it. This is the perfect opportunity to let friends and family shower your little one with gifts while you procure a new pair of yoga pants.

8. Trampolines

Not only do you have to purchase the damn thing, you have to put up hundreds of dollars of safety equipment, mats and siding so the neighbor kid doesn’t go flying off and break his leg. Additional homeowners insurance is also a good idea (so I’ve heard).

9. Kid-Marketed Bath Products

Anything with the words chamomile, lavender and calming should trigger warning signs. According to their manufacturers, simply massage the lotion on your baby before bed, and voila, your baby will be lulled into a perfect night’s sleep. Bwahaha. Oh, sorry. Wait, hahaha.

Basically the only time parents are saving money is when our children are sleeping. Sleeping in their themed nursey on their monogrammed pillow, next to their American Girl doll. Sweet dreams, tiny money pit.

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6 Extremely Painful Truths About Childbirth

woman-screaming-painfulImage via Shutterstock

There are a lot of things-people-didn’t-tell-you articles out there pertaining to truths about pregnancy, labor, motherhood, and everything in between. They can be lifesavers as we all maneuver through those experiences, armed with knowledge we did not have before. I noticed, however, there were a few hidden gems missing, and, since I am a giver, I wanted to bring these to your attention. You are welcome.

1. The Baby May Come Out Your Ass: Fine, I don’t believe this has actually happened. However, I wish someone had mentioned that the baby may feel like it is going to come out of your ass during labor. There is so much pressure in your nether region that it is difficult to decipher where the pain is coming from. And since these holes are next door neighbors, it can be confusing. I remember thinking: Holy shit, I will go down in history as the first person to have a baby out of her anus. I would love to be famous, but I really reaaallllly do not want this to be my first appearance on the Today Show.

2. Your Post-Birth Vagina (Part One): It would have been helpful to know that your hot pocket can increase to 4 times its original size and turn 50 Shades of Purple days after birth. I remember my mom helping me into the shower 36 hours post-delivery. It went a little something like this:

We peel the hospital gown off; her eyes dart immediately to my vagina and she gasps.

Me: What?

Her: ohmyGod

Me: What, what!!!!

Her: ohmyGooooood

Me: (Trying desperately to move my distended belly to one side to see what all the fuss is about)

Her: …..

Me: ohmyGod

Her: ohmyGod

Me: ohmyfuckingGodwhatthefuck

Her: Should I get the Doctor? I don’t remember this being a problem when you were born.

Me: That’s super helpful.

Her: …..

Me: ohmyGodohmyGodohmyGod

I could go on, but you get the drift. Apparently if a body part goes through this amount of trauma, swelling and discoloration are common. If you think having a C-section will prevent you from having this lovely experience, you would be wrong.

3. Levels of Tearing: I like to think that inquisitiveness is a positive trait. I needed to immediately understand where I landed on the post-vaginal-birth tearing scale. My daughter was over 8 pounds ,and her birth was less than pleasant. I was making small talk with my OB as she stitched me up and said, “Give it to me Doc, how bad is it down there?” Not looking up, she said, “It’s a 4.” A 4, super, I can work with a 4! I should have left it at that, but, in addition to being inquisitive, I am also very competitive. “Soooo, a 4 out of what, 10, isn’t too bad, right?” Nothing. “Oh NO, is it a 4 out of 5?” That’s gonna leave a mark. Well ladies, there are only FOUR stages total. FOUR. Tell yourself you scored a one and move on.

4. Your Post-Birth Vagina (Part Two): If you had a vaginal birth, do not — I repeat, DO NOT — purchase a handheld mirror. It may be tempting to see what that Level 4 tear looks like, but I wouldn’t recommend it. If you need a visual, picture the most gruesome war scene from Saving Private Ryan. Go fuck yourself Ryan, someone needs to save my privates.

5. Nipples Are Circular Sprinklers: When your milk comes in, it is released through multiple tiny holes in your nipple region. I thought it came out in one straight shot through the center. A milk bullet if you will. Perhaps I am the only woman on Earth who is this stupid. If not, and this article can help just one woman out there …

That’s a lie, I don’t really care about you, I just want to know I’m not the only person who believed this.

6. Vaginas Age: As with most body parts, you may experience ‘vag sag’ with age. This is especially true if you’ve had children. A friend of mine asked her gynecologist at her last annual why her vagina looks different that her 12-year-old daughter’s. She said it took her doctor 10 minutes to stop laughing. You know the saying “loose lips sink ships”? Get a group of moms in their 40s together and we could sink the Titanic.

Related post: 10 Unrecognizable Post Baby Body Parts

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11 Lies I’ve Absolutely Had To Tell As A Parent

lies

We all know lying is bad. This is one of the first things we teach our children. But there are certain times lying is necessary, especially when one becomes a parent. I believe you can relate to at least a few of these, amiright? If not, I bet you one full night’s uninterrupted sleep you are lying.

Lie #1: No, none of our kids has been sick lately, we’d love to come.
Truth: Jonny’s had a cough for days and currently sounds like Cathleen Turner, but we haven’t been out of the house in weeks. I must have social interaction with another person over 12 or I will lose my shit.

Lie #2UGH, we can’t make it, little Jonny is sick.
Truth: You could not be more boring. And I can’t listen to another story about your husband’s football glory days. It was 20 years ago; it’s time to cut the cord. And your house smells like chicken noodle soup.

Lie #3: We had the BEST family vacation!
Truth: I saw on Discovery Channel there is a species of snake that eats its young. I feel you snake, I FEEL YOU.


Lie #4: I never feed my kid fast food.
Truth: If you can invent a nutritious, well-balanced meal in the three minute drive from school to hockey practice, get yourself on Shark Tank. Stat.

Lie #5: My kids have never had lice.
Truth: Have you seen the movie Outbreak? That was our October.

Lie $6: Our kids only have an hour of screen time a day.
Truth: Jonny will recite every episode of Peppa Pig verbatim if you give him some Skittles.

Lie #7: Yes, we are looking into summer camps; we just can’t decide which one is best.
Truth: Not only have I not started looking, but those camps are outrageously expensive. Plus, most of them go from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m., and I work full time. I have no idea how I am going to leave work to take them and pick them up because I will get fired and then we will have even less money to send Jonny to some lame ass Camp Ripmioff where he will spend all day getting sunburned and mosquito bitten while trying to start a fire from his shoelace and a piece of gum and all he’ll have to show for it at the end of the week is a self-portrait made entirely of acorns that cost me four hundred fucking dollars.

Lie #8: I’ve loved every second of motherhood.
Truth: There are days showing up naked to my high school reunion seems less painful than playing hide and seek again.


Lie #9: I just loved being pregnant.
Truth: Stretchmarks are the new black.

Lie #10: I’d love to volunteer, but we are out of town this weekend.
Truth: No one is allowed to post ANYTHING on social media for the next three days. And we aren’t leaving the house. Don’t ask questions.

Lie #11: Jonny’s really excelling in soccer this year, he’s a natural.
Truth: I believe the coach is willing the bench to open up and swallow him whole.

It’s natural to find yourself fibbing from time to time. I, for one, shall resolve to only tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth from here on out. Just as soon as my perfect little sleeper wakes up from his (Tylenol induced) nap.

Related post: 18 Lies Moms Tell Their Kids to Stay Sane

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