Folks Are Getting Penis Facials And Vampire Facials, And We Have Questions

The first time I heard the term “penis facial,” I immediately assumed it could only mean one of three things:

1. Something really gross I saw in a porno once and don’t want to talk about.

2. The typical exfoliating, purifying, and moisturizing process involved in a facial, but for a penis.

3. Something to do with a penis slapping some poor person in the face? I don’t know.

It turns out, there aren’t any actual penises involved in penis facials, or… not directly, anyway. Though, I might be even more horrified by what a penis facial actually is than what I thought it was. The procedure involves taking the severed foreskin from an infant’s circumcision, using the fibroblast from that bit of skin as a culture for growing new skin cells and creating a serum to apply to the face.

SO. MANY. QUESTIONS.

I mean, using infants’ severed penis to get pretty? I just… is this what happens when a person has so much money that they have to think up weird shit to do with it? Or is this honestly the very best way for a person to never look their age? What even is this?

Also, I can’t be the only one seeing this scenario like some super twisted real-life version of a Disney Villain. I’m picturing Charlize Theron as the evil Queen Ravenna in Snow White and the Huntsman, obsessed with maintaining her beauty, except instead of collecting the life force of young maidens, she’s collecting foreskins. Diabolical.

And penis facials aren’t the only, um… unique beauty procedure filthy rich people and/or celebrities engage in. Here are a few others that have us scratching our heads:

Placenta Creams and Facials

Sheep placenta, pig placenta, and yes, even human placenta. Eva Longoria has been known to use placenta cream, Jennifer Lopez gets placenta facials, and those willing to unload a whopping $10,000 can get actual human placenta injected into their face to maintain their baby soft glow and utterly defy mother nature and gravity. These are donated placentas, of course, though I’m not sure how I’d feel about my placenta being used for superficial purposes if I thought I was donating for medically necessary procedures like skin grafts for burn victims. But maybe we could all just keep a bit of our own placentas after giving birth and inject ourselves when we need a little self-care boost. I’ll start a Pinterest board. (Not really. Don’t do this.)

Vampire Facials

Also known as the PRP (platelet-rich plasma) facial, this very bloody cosmetic procedure involves drawing your own blood, separating out the platelets, and injecting the platelets back into your skin via a process called microneedling. The growth hormone in platelets, along with the stimulation from the needling, is meant to encourage cell turnover and restore a youthful glow. YIKES.

Bird Poo Facials

This is a procedure in which you smear actual, literal bird shit on your face. Granted, it’s fancy nightingale bird shit—said to be high in urea and guanine, which moisturize and brighten, respectively, and yes, it’s sanitized and dehydrated and stuff, but still. WTAF. Harry Styles and Victoria Beckham have been known to engage in this tomfoolery.

Snail Slime

So I don’t even understand why this one is so expensive. The mucin from land snails apparently does have elastin, glycolic acid, and protein in it, but why not just go for a hike and find some land snails and let them crawl all over your face? You could lay in the mud and get a free mud mask. Who needs to spend hundreds at the spa?

Bull Sperm Conditioner

This protein-rich (yuck!) hair mask combines the semen from Aberdeen Angus Bills with Katera root and is meant to strengthen hair and promote growth. It isn’t even that expensive, but… OMG WHY? I’m not eating for the rest of the day.

Snake Venom

This anti-aging cream is made from actual active snake venom which is supposed to freeze facial muscles but, you know, without paralyzing you or… killing you. Who needs Botox when you can use all-natural deadly snake venom?

24k Gold Face Masks

This $300 and up treatment uses literal 24k gold leafs to create a face mask that supposedly renews cells, improves skin elasticity, and reduces wrinkles. If I ever got one of these, I’d wear that shit around town on my face like jewelry. Because seriously, what do they do with the gold after they use it? Recycle it and use it on other people? Trash it? Make a bracelet?

And these procedures are only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to unusual and expensive beauty treatments. I love a good facial as much as the next gal, but I think I can do without smearing blood or semen or placenta on my face in the interest of beauty. Give me a good clay mask and a nice hyaluronic acid serum, and I’m good to go. But if we are ever able to collect and cultivate maiden’s life forces in a non-invasive, consensual, non-murdery way, sign me up, because really, who doesn’t want skin like Charlize Theron’s?

The post Folks Are Getting Penis Facials And Vampire Facials, And We Have Questions appeared first on Scary Mommy.

‘I Feel Pretty’ Movie Review

For those of you saying “I mean I hear it’s good and seems to have a solid message, but it’s Amy Schumer, would you take your daughter?”

This review is for you. 

 

Here’s the deal — I’d say I have a moderate threshold for inappropriateness, but in years past I’ve had a mixed relationship with Amy Schumer. Sometimes she has me laughing out loud, sometimes she has me contorting my face and saying EW! Like when I was reading “The Girl With The Lower Back Tattoo” on a long flight and I’d literally make a disgusted face and then turn and look around the plane as if fellow passengers were reading over my shoulder. And then I’d be laughing again a few minutes later. 

We’ve Netflixed a few Amy Schumer movies that we’ve ultimately turned off (and note to self, I was warned, they were rated R, I’ve got no excuse).  

Having said that — I went into “I Feel Pretty” hoping it was great but expecting that the humor would go a little too far leaving me disappointed (and unable to share what was hopefully an inspiring message with my 14-year-old girl). I was wrong and happily surprised.

To be clear, the movie is PG-13 {you can check out the IMDB parents guide here}. There’s some language, drinking, and the parents guide calls out that the movie makes mention of the word “vagina”.  All things we’ve comfortably talked about at our house.  

 

See More: Common Sense Media Review

 

The overall message shines, and this group {of mostly Mormon moms might I add}  give the movie 2 thumbs up and have gone back with daughters in tow. I’m taking my girl next week and excited for a solid girls night followed by some good conversations. 

 

Here’s what the rest of our crew had to say about ‘I Feel Pretty’:

“My teenagers loved LOVED it! All of my teenage nieces and my daughters went on Friday. They asked for baguette (bagetti) with dinner last night. My daughter Abby loved the body positivity. She keeps talking about how nice it was to see Amy Schumer in a role that wasn’t vulgar.”

— Wendy

“I laughed out loud, a lot. It reminded me of the fun rom coms I grew up on!”

— Carina

“I thought it was really funny. I don’t always like Amy Schumer — but I laughed out loud many times. It has a great message and I can’t wait to take my teen!”

— Lindsey

“I laughed hard! A better version of a rom com!”

— Kalli

 

We weren’t the only ones in the theatre laughing, the whole place was cracking up. I might have even shed a tear a time or two. 

Bottom line?  We could all learn a thing or two from “I Feel Pretty”. Time well spent!

{P.S. Check out her recent interview with Oprah on the Super Soul Podcast! It was fantastic!}

 

More on TodaysMama.com

5 Ways Parents Can Raise A Body Positive Kid

Cultivating Gratitude For Your Body

Moms, Get The Big Stuff Right

 

 

The post ‘I Feel Pretty’ Movie Review appeared first on TodaysMama.

New Grinch Movie Starring Benedict Cumberbatch!

I didn’t think I needed another Grinch . . . until NOW!  Movie magic has just married our favorite holiday creature with our favorite man on the planet . . . Benedict Cumberbatch. 

 

Check out the trailer!

 

ILLUMINATION PRESENTS DR. SEUSS’ THE GRINCH – In Theaters November 9

Official Website | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram | #TheGrinch

For their eighth fully animated feature, Illumination and Universal Pictures present The Grinch, based on Dr. Seuss’ beloved holiday classic.  The Grinch tells the story of a cynical grump who goes on a mission to steal Christmas, only to have his heart changed by a young girl’s generous holiday spirit.  Funny, heartwarming and visually stunning, it’s a universal story about the spirit of Christmas and the indomitable power of optimism.

Academy Award® nominee Benedict Cumberbatch lends his voice to the infamous Grinch, who lives a solitary life inside a cave on Mt. Crumpet with only his loyal dog, Max, for company.  With a cave rigged with inventions and contraptions for his day-to-day needs, the Grinch only sees his neighbors in Who-ville when he runs out of food.

Each year at Christmas they disrupt his tranquil solitude with their increasingly bigger, brighter and louder celebrations.  When the Whos declare they are going to make Christmas three times bigger this year, the Grinch realizes there is only one way for him to gain some peace and quiet: he must steal Christmas.  To do so, he decides he will pose as Santa Claus on Christmas Eve, even going so far as to trap a lackadaisical misfit reindeer to pull his sleigh.

Meanwhile, down in Who-ville, Cindy-Lou Who—a young girl overflowing with holiday cheer—plots with her gang of friends to trap Santa Claus as he makes his Christmas Eve rounds so that she can thank him for help for her overworked single mother.  As Christmas approaches, however, her good-natured scheme threatens to collide with the Grinch’s more nefarious one.  Will Cindy-Lou achieve her goal of finally meeting Santa Claus?  Will the Grinch succeed in silencing the Whos’ holiday cheer once and for all?

 

Find out, Christmas season 2018.

The post New Grinch Movie Starring Benedict Cumberbatch! appeared first on TodaysMama.

Charlize Theron Parenting is All Of Us

My favorite kind of parent are those who don’t pretend life is glitter and butterflies all the time. Let’s be honest: if your kid has never been in timeout or had that mean-fast-parent-walk head towards them, you should get some sort of medal.

I’m pretty real when it comes to my kids, their attitudes, my attitude and why sometimes the kids aren’t my favorite little people in the world. I know I may have taken it too far when family members start reminding me, “They’re good kids.” This is true. But today they need to be “good kids” in their room. With the door closed.

It’s this kind of real talk that made me fall in love with Charlize Theron just a little bit more.  Let’s all take a moment and relish in her parenting honesty:

Yeeessss!!! Kids will be kids. Sometimes their insanity and endless giggling makes me laugh and smile, but after the 15th time out of bed when “I just want to watch my grown-up show!!” things get real.

Parenting is hard. Being a kid is hard, too. When your kid acts up, he’s not the devil or the worst kid in the world. He’s normal! When you get mad because said kid acts up, you’re normal!  If we can’t laugh at our reality, then what on earth are we doing? I’ll tell you what we’re doing–slowly dying inside because of the guilt, stress and anxiety we’re causing ourselves.

So the next time you want to post on social media about what a blessing and joy your kids are–go for it. Just don’t forget to add in those posts where you’re over it. Trust me when I tell you the parental troops will rally because you. are. not. alone.

And just in case you don’t believe me, here are some my favorite Instagram parents you should be following.
 

@SimonCHolland

 

A post shared by Simon Holland (@simoncholland) on

 

@mommycusses

 

@kidsaretheworst

 

@howtobeadad

 

Kids, man. Dang.

A post shared by HowToBeADad.com (@howtobeadad) on

 

@fatherofdaughters

 

Monday’s are always difficult, and not just because it’s the start of the working week. @mother_of_daughters heads offbat 4.45am to have a break from us to work, leaving me in charge of coordinating both the am & pm routines which can be more challenging than starting a fire with a tray of ice cubes. As the sun rose, everything was fine, but I can only assume that Ottie urinated in delilah’s imaginary tea in the home corner at nursery, as upon arriving at home this evening, world war 3. Delilah silently decided to use Ottie as a budget floor mop & dragged her by the hair through her own dinner like a plough, forcing me to reluctantly dust off my invisible referees outfit once again & quite literally keep them at arm’s length from eachother until bedtime. Who else out there just loves Mondays? #thatgirlcanholdagrudge #dadreferee #catfight #twins #comehomeclemmie #toddlerhairtransplantrequired #fatherofdaughters #dadlofe #fod #instadad

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on


 So when you feel like you are sucking it up at this parenting gig, I suggest you find yourself a nice, dark closet. Bring your favorite treat and/or drink and hide away for 10 minutes. Maybe 20. Or at least until it gets eerily quiet and you have no choice but to find out what depths of hell have quietly awoken. Best of luck. Just know I fully support you and whatever choices you make today. I especially support you if it means you ignoring the laundry to giggle with someone who needed extra love (even if that someone is you).

 

See More at TodaysMama.com!

Dear Kids, Think Of Me. Love Mom.

Rules For My Son

The Important Thing About Yelling

Leslie Jones Olympic Coverage Is Everything We Need Right Now

Look, we are over a week into the PyeongChang Olympics and if you’re not already following Leslie Jones Olympic coverage than you need to GET ON BOARD because it’s halfway over, I care about you, and I don’t want you to miss out on the gem that is Leslie Jones at the Olympics. 

If you’ll remember, Leslie literally hyped her way into an invite to the Brazil Summer Olympic. You cannot argue with her level of commitment and passion for the games so it made absolute sense that NBC would recognize and reward that passion and bring her on board for us to reap the rewards.

 
Leslie is the most HYPE Olympic commentator in existence and her coverage is literally everything we need in America right now. 

Be warned, some of these are mos def NSFW…

I LOVE HER SO MUCH!

 

A post shared by Leslie Jones (@lesdogggg) on

 

 

@nbcolympics @olympics

A post shared by Leslie Jones (@lesdogggg) on

 
Leslie is literally all of us, and she brings me so much joy. You definitely need to be following her through the rest of these PyeongChang games. Find her on Twitter and Instagram: @lesdoggg, and in my heart too, okay?

 

SLAY ALL DAY, USA!

 

Here Are The Super Bowl Commercials That Had Us In Tears

I cry a lot. It doesn’t take much.  I like the commercials that remind us about all the good — and all that girl power!

Mass Mutual: I’ll Stand By You

 

Winter Olympics: Always Be Faster Than The Boys / Mikaela Shiffrin

 

Toyota: Good Odds

 

Lindsey Vonn Winter Olympics Best of U.S. 

And was it just me or was every movie trailer TERRIFYING? Those movie trailers also made me cry. 

The Funniest Super Bowl Commercials of 2018

We’ve recapped the funniest commercials from Super Bowl 2018!

Basically the Tide commercials WIN the Super Bowl! We love Officer Hopper (David Harbour), and we love him even more in these Tide commercials. That white jumpsuit? Seals the deal.

It’s A Tide Ad


 

 

 

 

E-Trade: 85 And I Want To Go Home

 

Avocados From Mexico

 

 

Pringles: Nobody Asked You Kevin!

 

 

Crocodile Dundee

 

Time of My Life

 

What did we miss? What commercials made you LOL?!?

 

More on TodaysMama.com:

Here Are The Super Bowl 2018 Commercials That Had Us In Tears

2017 Audi Commercial Inspires Sexist Backlash

ABC Family 13 Nights Of Halloween 2017 Schedule

We’ve got the FULL list!

Looking for a fun way to add a little Halloween spirit to your household this month? We love a good family snuggle-fest—popcorn, some Reeses pumpkins . . . maybe a little hot cocoa, cozy blankets, and something fun to watch on TV.

Freeform (Formerly ABC Family) is offering 13 nights of spooky Halloween programming starting October 19th. All 13 evenings are packed FULL of family-friendly Halloween movies (and the weekends extra spooky with movies running all day!) Check out the schedule below and mark your calendar to catch your favorites!

 

Thursday, October 19

  • 7am/6c Last Man Standing
  • 7:30am/6:30c Spooky Buddies
  • 11am/10c The Middle
  • 11:30am/10:30c The Middle
  • 12pm/11c The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2
  • 2:35pm/1:35c The Haunted Mansion
  • 4:40pm/3:40c The Addams Family
  • 6:45pm/5:45c Addams Family Values
  • 8:50pm/7:50c Hocus Pocus
  • 12am/11c ParaNorman

 

Friday, October 20

  • 7am/6c The Sorcerer’s Apprentice
  • 11am/10c The Middle
  • 11:30am/10:30c The Middle
  • 12pm/11c The Haunted Mansion
  • 2:10pm/1:10c The Addams Family
  • 4:15pm/3:15c Addams Family Values
  • 6:20pm/5:20c Hocus Pocus
  • 8:30pm/7:30c Sleepy Hollow
  • 12am/11c The Sorcerer’s Apprentice

Saturday, October 21

  • 7am/6c Edward Scissorhands
  • 9:30am/8:30c Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2
  • 12:30pm/11:30c Fun Size
  • 2:35pm/1:35c Matilda
  • 4:40pm/3:40c Sleepy Hollow
  • 7:10pm/6:10c The Addams Family
  • 9:15pm/8:15c Addams Family Values
  • 11:25pm/10:25c Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

 

Sunday, October 22

  • 7am/6c Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2
  • 10:05am/9:05c Matilda
  • 12:10pm/11:10c Hocus Pocus
  • 2:20pm/1:20c Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
  • 5pm/4c The Addams Family
  • 7:05pm/6:05 Addams Family Values
  • 9:15pm/8:15c Hocus Pocus
  • 11:25pm/10:25c Alice in Wonderland (2010)

Monday, October 23

  • 7am/6c Last Man Standing
  • 7:30am/6:30c Frankenweenie
    Tim Burton Marathon
  • 11am/10c Edward Scissorhands
  • 1:35pm/12:35c Alice in Wonderland
  • 4:10pm/3:10c Dark Shadows
  • 6:50pm/4:50c Sleepy Hollow
  • 9:20pm/8:20c The Nightmare Before Christmas
  • 12am/11c Frankenweenie

 

Tuesday, October 24

  • 7am/6c Edward Scissorhands
  • 11am/10c Fun Size
  • 1pm/12c The Haunted Mansion
  • 3pm/2c The Nightmare Before Christmas
  • 4:40pm/3:40c The Addams Family
  • 6:45pm/5:45c Addams Family Values
  • 8:50pm/7:50c Hocus Pocus
  • 12am/11c Teen Witch

Wednesday, October 25

  • 7am/6c Last Man Standing
  • 7:30am/6:30c Teen Witch
  • 11am/10c The Middle
  • 11:30am/10:30c The Middle
  • 11:30am/10:30c Twilight
  • 2:25pm/1:25c The Addams Family
  • 4:30pm/3:30c Addams Family Values
  • 6:35pm/5:35c Hocus Pocus
  • 8:45pm/7:45c Men in Black
  • 12am/11c Bewitched

 

Thursday, October 26

  • 7am/6c Last Man Standing: Halloween Special
  • 7:30am/6:30c R.L. Stine’s Monsterville: Cabinet of Souls
  • 11am/10c The Middle
  • 11:30am/10:30c The Middle
  • 11:30am/10:30c Bewitched
  • 1:30pm/12:30c The Haunted Mansion
  • 3:35pm/2:35c Sleepy Hollow
  • 6:05pm/5:05c Men in Black
  • 8:20pm/7:20c Dark Shadows
  • 12am/11c The Haunted Mansion

Friday, October 27

  • 7am/6c Dark Shadows
  • 11am/10c The Middle
  • 11:30am/10:30c The Middle
  • 12pm/11c Sleepy Hollow
  • 2:25pm/1:25c Hocus Pocus
  • 4:35pm/3:35c Men in Black
  • 6:50pm/5:50c The Addams Family
  • 8:55pm/7:55c Addams Family Values
  • 12am/11c Hocus Pocus

 

Saturday, October 28

  • 7am/6c Spooky Buddies
  • 9:05am/8:05c R.L. Stine’s Monsterville: Cabinet of Souls
  • 11:10am/10:10c The Addams Family
  • 1:20pm/12:20c Addams Family Values
  • 3:30pm/2:30c The Nightmare Before Christmas
  • 5:10pm/4:10c Hocus Pocus
  • 7:20pm/6:20c Disney•Pixar’s Monsters, Inc.
  • 9:25pm/8:25c Disney•Pixar’s Monsters University
  • 11:55pm/10:55c ParaNorman

Sunday, October 29

  • 7am/6c R.L. Stine’s Monsterville: Cabinet of Souls
  • 9:10am/8:10c ParaNorman
  • 11:20am/10:20c The Nightmare Before Christmas
  • 1pm/12c Hook
  • 4:15pm/3:15c Disney•Pixar’s Toy Story of TERROR!
  • 4:45pm/3:45c Hocus Pocus
  • 6:55pm/5:55c Disney•Pixar’s Monsters, Inc.
  • 9pm/8c Disney•Pixar’s Monsters University
  • 11:30pm/10:30c Disney•Pixar’s Toy Story of TERROR!
  • 12am/11c Frankenweenie

 

Monday, October 30

  • 7am/6c Sleepy Hollow
  • 11am/10c The Middle
  • 11:30am/10:30c The Middle
  • 11:30am/10:30c Dark Shadows
  • 2pm/1c Sleepy Hollow
  • 4:30pm/3:30c The Addams Family
  • 6:40pm/5:40c Addams Family Values
  • 8:50pm/7:50c Hocus Pocus
  • 12am/11c Hocus Pocus

Tuesday, October 31

  • 7am/6c Last Man Standing
  • 7:30am/6:30c Hocus Pocus
  • 11am/10c The Middle
  • 11:30am/10:30c The Middle
    Hocus Pocus Marathon
  • 12pm/11c – 11pm/10c Hocus Pocus

Tell us in the comments which Halloween movie you’re most excited for!

 

 

My Little Pony: The Movie and a Giveaway

This post is sponsored by Lionsgate Premiere.

My Little Pony was all the rage when I was a kid.

 

My grandma gave me my first My Little Pony for my sixth birthday. Its name was Baby Glory, and I was in love.

Retro My Little Pony

 

I was excited to see My Little Pony make a comeback, but I knew Ponies were back for good when I sat down on the NYC subway across from this guy:

My Little Pony Costume

 

I’ll likely see a few more of these characters this weekend as Ponydemonium (I should probably Trademark that phrase) is in full force with the release of My Little Pony: The Movie, in theaters October 6th. Have you seen this trailer yet?

My Little Pony: The Movie – Coming to theaters October 6!

A dark force threatens Ponyville, and the Mane 6 – Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Rarity – embark on an unforgettable journey beyond Equestria where they meet new friends and exciting challenges on a quest to use the magic of friendship to save their home.

I love it when big names get behind the mic for animated features, because it usually makes for a movie kids and adults can enjoy together. The Pony crew is voiced by an all-star cast, including Emily Blunt, Kristin Chenoweth, Liev Schreiber, Michael Peña, Sia, Taye Diggs, Uzo Aduba and Zoe Saldana. The movie features original music and songs performed by Sia, Diggs, Saldana, Chenoweth and Blunt.

My Little Pony: The Movie Giveaway

We’ve teamed up with Lionsgate Premiere to offer a great prize pack to send you and your family to see My Little Pony: The Movie in theaters. You could win:

  • $100 American Express gift card to see the film in theaters with your family
  • PLUS a My Little Pony: The Movie Shining Friends Figure

To enter, just leave a comment below with your favorite childhood toy. We will pick one prize pack winner at random.

For more Pony fun, check out the Facebook page, and follow them on Twitter and Instagram. And don’t forget to check out My Little Pony: The Movie in theaters everywhere October 6. 

Open to US mailing addresses only
Prizing courtesy of Lionsgate Premiere

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Watch P!nk Respond to Her Daughter Saying: Mama, I’m the ugliest girl I know

When Pink accepted the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award at the 2017 MTV VMAs on Sunday night, she shared a story about what happened when her daughter Willow said, “Mama, I’m the ugliest girl I know.”  During the speech, you’ll see Pink’s beautiful daughter and wonder the same thing as Pink did – where is this coming from? Pink’s speech to her daughter stands out as something we can all relate to. As parents, you can imagine how heartbreaking it would be to hear your child say such a thing. And maybe your child has said something like this. Pink, being the rock star that she is, responded in spectacular fashion. She didn’t respond right away. She went home and prepared a power-point presentation which launched a discussion with her daughter. Watch the video and see how Pink turns her acceptance speech into inspiration for all of us and how she encouraged her daughter to never change but instead to help others see “more kinds of beauty.”

When your son or daughter has disparaging words spoken to them, follow Pink’s lead. I totally relate to her response. When Pink says she thought, “Can I kick a six-year old’s ass?” I’m not going to lie – I’ve thought the same thing when my kids have dealt with others teasing or bullying them.  Obviously, that’s the mama bear in me. But what I love is that Pink took the time to sit down with her daughter after she had to prepare (that power-point presentation – so brilliant). Pink reminds us that we are the best equipped to help our kids remember their value and to give them strength to show the world their very best. Thanks for the inspiration, Pink.

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