Dear Anxious Mama

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Dear Anxious Mama,

You’re not Alone.

I know you’re in the trenches just trying to make it one day, one hour, one minute at a time.

You’re not alone.

I know some days you feel like you just can’t do it and you want to cry. You want to cry hard. It’s okay, Mama.

Cry. And Cry Hard.

I know you think you are failing your kids, your husband, even yourself.

But Mama, you’re not failing anyone.

I know public places can be overwhelming. What if you lose a child or one gets taken? I have been there too, Mama.

You’re not alone.

I know sometimes you dislike you’re kids.

Somedays, I dislike mine too.

I know you are praying hard Mama. Keep praying. God hears you, and He hasn’t forgotten you.

I know that you are ashamed and feeling guilty, sometimes wondering if this is the life you were cut out for. It is okay

Mama. I have those days too.

You’re not alone.

I know it is hard to get out of bed sometimes because sleep deprivation is pure torture and it has sucked out every ounce of energy you may have in you. I know this form of exhaustion all too well Mama, especially when my babies were first born. Sometimes it turns into a depression. I know you love being a Mama, but some days are just covered in clouds. It’s okay Mama.

You’re not alone.

I know that you might be seeing a therapist, someone to talk to and help you through this season. Good for you Mama.

You are not alone.

I know you may need to see a Doctor, get some help, and get on some anxiety or depression meds. It’s okay Mama. You need to care of yourself.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is just recognizing that you can’t do it alone.

Mama, sometimes you have to take the first steps to be the change you want to see.

I know most days you have not a single clue what you’re doing Mama.

You’re not alone, that is truly what Motherhood is.

Love yourself a little more Mama because you are in the trenches taking it one day, one hour, one minute at a time! And you’re not alone, Mama.

Sincerely, I’m in the trenches too.

The post Dear Anxious Mama appeared first on TodaysMama.

Complaining Is Actually Making Your Stressful Holiday WORSE

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It is not unusual to be frazzled or stressed during the last months of the year and so many celebrations crammed into 2 months time. With family parties, school parties, gift buying, gift giving, delivery deadlines, finding time for traditions, decorating, baking, sending out cards and making everything absolutely PERFECT for your children so that they’ll always remember the magic of the season, it’s obviously a cause for elevated stress level. And then you check your Instagram only to see that everyone else seems to be doing it better than you with beautiful smiles and stylish holiday decor.

via GIPHY

But before I give you permission to complain about all that and more, here’s why complaining will actually make your holidays worse.

Complaining rewires your brain.

Complaining is totally normal and we’re all prone to do it. It feels as if it’s helping because for the moment, you’re blowing off steam. With all the pressures and the to-do’s during the holidays, it can breed negativity if you let it. The more frequently you complain, your brain will make it easier to complain in the future – basically, your brain will rewire itself. So, over time, that negativity will become second nature. If you’re turning to negative thoughts more frequently, it will be more difficult for you to break that habit. Do you know one of those people that is constantly negative? They likely didn’t get there overnight. Practice makes perfect.

Complaining is bad for your health. 

So what’s the harm in complaining, even if it does rewire your brain to make it second nature to complain more? Complaining can actually harm your health. We all know how stressful the holidays are already, you won’t want to compound that stress.  Dr. Travis Bradberry wrote, “When you complain, your body releases the stress hormone cortisol. Cortisol shifts you into fight-or-flight mode, directing oxygen, blood, and energy away from everything but the systems that are essential to immediate survival. One effect of cortisol, for example, is to raise your blood pressure and blood sugar so that you’ll be prepared to either escape or defend yourself.

All the extra cortisol released by frequent complaining impairs your immune system and makes you more susceptible to high cholesterol, diabetes, heart disease, and obesity. It even makes the brain more vulnerable to strokes.”

Joining the pity party.

You know that saying that misery loves company? Same goes for complainers. You seek validation for your complaints and then it just becomes a time for those who commiserate to join in the complaining. The negativity grows and you don’t want your most memorable party during the holidays to be a pity party. The holidays are a time for you to enjoy being with family and friends and being in a complaining cycle is not where you want to wallow.

 

Here are some ways to dial down the stress.

 

Make your complaint have a purpose.

Complaining in and of itself is not necessarily a problem. It’s the constant complaining that breeds negativity that can be a problem. If you have a complaint – something that you require a solution or a resolution to, take a step back and evaluate. What the problem is and how you can solve it? If you get angry every year because a member of your extended family forgets about your child’s very serious food allergy, address it before it becomes a problem when you are in a good place instead of testing them to see if they’ll remember and then complaining when they don’t. If you can identify the things you are most likely to complain about, you may be able to prevent it in the first place. And if you can’t, make sure that when you do have a complaint, you can use it constructively. Evaluate if it is worth addressing and if you can find a solution.

Stay positive and turn things around.

Just as complaining can become a problem, doing the opposite can bring more joy to the holidays. Yes, this means focusing on the good things, perhaps altering your attitude but the results will be worth it. If something about the holidays drives you crazy, do you really need to be doing it? If those neighbor gifts are becoming more of a burden than an expression of friendship, it’s time for you to ask what your goal is and if what you are doing is achieving that goal. Would a short, handwritten note suffice rather than an elaborate gift suffice?

Each year, a friend of mine would ask me if I was sending Christmas cards. For some reason this stressed me out and began to irritate me because it made me focus on my short-comings. I’m more of an every-other year lady in that department and having someone ask me about it was making me anxious. A few years ago, I got the e-mail again asking if I was sending cards and asking me for one and I realized that it was super important to her. It dawned on me that I could just send her one card without needing to send cards to everyone on our list. I turned something that was driving me crazy into something that I love doing now because I changed my perspective and realized something that required hardly anything from me was something very big for her.

via GIPHY

Let it go. 

When all else fails, let it go. A friend of mine years ago told me to pretend I was a sea otter and let it all just roll off of my back like water. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve used that trick. Sometimes you can’t change a person or a situation but you can change yourself. You can choose to let it go. I don’t get hung up on the fact that I really wanted to make gingerbread houses and I just couldn’t find the time this year. Instead of venting about how I’m letting my family down by not finding that precious gingerbread house building time, I check myself and ask myself if it is worth giving that negativity a voice. No, I’m not perfect and neither are my holidays. But I’m going to do my very best to enjoy every bit and let go of all the rest.

 

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Dear Anxiety, You Are Paralyzing.

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Dear Anxiety,

 

I see you.

 

In the last two years I have gotten to know on a pretty close level. You have come in and out of my life. We are not friends. To be honest, I kind of loathe you, actually. More recently, you have become a daily battle for me. You can take any moment, any situation, and use it to bring some of the greatest panic and fear I have ever experienced. It’s been a tough season for me as a Mother. I am trying hard to be strong, to be brave; to find my value in who I am as Mom. There are times I feel lost in raising tiny humans, but I know I am doing a good job. I know that Motherhood is not having the right answers. It is sometimes simply winging it and not having a clue what you are doing.

However, if I am being entirely honest, the days you sneak up on me I have a pretty hard time seeing just how good of a job I am actually doing, especially when I feel like I should have the right answers. I should know how to handle tantrums. I should have a well behaved children. You are a master at speaking lies to me. You are crippling. You instill fear. You cause me to worry about things that may never even happen. There have been days when I can’t even take my kids to the park because I am afraid they will be kidnapped.

You are paralyzing.

dear anxiety hate you

I first encountered you after the triplets were born. You used sleep deprivation to suffocate me. I had no amount of energy and could never catch up on my sleep. The panic attacks kicked in and swallowed me whole. At the time, it was hard for me to even recognize and admit how difficult things were for me as a new Mom. I wasn’t enjoying the season. I waited for so long to become a Mother and you hijacked my heart with guilt and told me lies about who I was as a Mom. You stole moments I could have shared with my babies. I felt so lonely, so misunderstood.

I hated you then like I hate you know.

Eventually, I saw what was happening to me. My husband, friends and family-they saw it too. And I got the help I needed to learn how to manage you.

And yet, here we are, two years later, and I see you trying to poor the physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion over me once again. You are using the terrible twos to make me question myself as a Mom and if I can even handle this tiring and often thankless job. You use tantrums to suck every piece of patience right out of me. You constantly steal the grace I should have for myself as a Mother and exchange it with panic and guilt. You use Mom-shamers to steal my confidence. You know all the tricks to make me believe untruths about who I am as a Mom.

However, the difference between two years ago and now is, now, I know how to face you a little better than I did before. I know the importance of being vulnerable even when it is hard, even when I don’t want to. I know that I have to talk about the fact that right now, I am having a hard time enjoying this season of Motherhood; and that it is okay. I have to cling to the people I trust most in my life; the ones who don’t judge me when my kids are throwing yogurt across the room during breakfast and enjoying a lollipop before 9am. The ones who still love me even when I lose my temper. The ones who know I am just as mortified when my kid bites theirs. The ones I can share my secrets with and know they are safe there.

dear anxiety

I know when my husband says, “Go to target. Buy a new dress. I will get the kids to bed tonight,” I need to let him because he means it. I see you and so does he. I have been incredibly impressed by the actions he took to ensure we could walk through this season together and find solutions to help me through some pretty tough days. He made the big moves. He was willing to be there for me however I needed, to help me through this strangling season.

I know that I have to be willing to face you even when I am ashamed of the events of the day and how I responded to the whining, biting, fighting, crying, and hitting (And yes, sometimes all of that happens within minutes of each other). Those are the days when my Mom anger kicks in, guilt takes over, and I am entirely ashamed of who I have become and how I have responded. Any kind of grace I could have had for myself is gone. Those are the hardest days. I have learned how important grace is. I don’t know what I am doing. I don’t have all the right answers. I fail every day. And that is okay. That is grace. I have to pray. I have to pray hard and know that God chose me to a be a Mom to my babies because He knew I could handle it.

dear anxiety parenting

I know when it is time to make a Doctor’s appointment and talk about medication to help. To be honest, this step was probably the hardest for me. It is hard to walk into the Doctor’s office and admit that you don’t have it all together. However, I know that sometimes going on medication is just the best way to manage you. There is no shame in that. And this time around, I knew I needed to take those steps to get the help that I needed in order to get through my days a little better.

I am in the trenches of Motherhood trying to hold onto every bit of patience I could possibly have for my kids. My days spent with three pretty active testing your limits two year olds are filled with all kinds of challenges. The days are getting better and you and I aren’t as close as we used to be, but it is still hard. However, the beautiful thing is, is that God always makes beauty out of our ashes. It is seasons like this that change you. They allow to grow and become a stronger, wiser version of yourself. They give you hope and remind you just how great of a Mother you actually are. And that is what I will choose to take away from this incredibly exhausting, yet entirely empowering season of Motherhood.

Sincerely,

The I still don’t always have it together Mom

 

Desiree Fortin is a Mom to almost 2 year old triplets. Her journey to become a Mom was not easy, but it is one of hope and beauty. Desiree is a blogger and photographer.  You can read Desiree’s blog, visit her on Instagram, or visit her Facebook page to learn more.

 

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This Is What My Postpartum Depression Looked Like

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This Is What My Postpartum Depression Looked Like

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I am not a medical professional. I wasn’t even diagnosed with postpartum depression by a medical professional after any of my 4 pregnancies and deliveries. I am, however, a mother who has spent a few years in her body and has recently been enlightened; all it took was paying a little attention to my before and after self.

Once you become pregnant, or even start reading up on pregnancy and delivery, postpartum depression gets thrown in to nearly every conversation. I read about and lots of conversations about it. I even read Brooke Shield’s book “Down Came the Rain”. I felt for her and every other story I heard regarding postpartum depression.  Problem was: I couldn’t relate to any of them. I was having a hard time, but that’s called running on two hours of sleep and being a new mom, right? My entire life had changed–I wasn’t depressed like the stories I had heard or read. I pushed through.

When my first son was a just over a year old we moved to a new city, my husband had a new job, and I had left the workforce as a full-time employee and was simply “Mom” 24 hours a day. I had an infinitely busy child and life wasn’t my favorite. Things were hard. I was angry all the time. I was inexplicably sad just as often. I excused my anger and sadness because life had turned upside down. Of course I was unhappy and struggling to adjust.  The first notion that something may be more serious than just “change” was the afternoon my husband called from work stating he had looked in to our insurance plan and psychologists were covered. Um… thanks, babe? You can go jump off a cliff now. (I guess he had noticed something was off.)

A short time later I became pregnant with my second baby and moved back to the city we were previously in. Life had settled down. I completely forgot about my anger, I cried less and simply laughed about my husband’s well-meaning, but absurd phone call.

This routine continued every 2 years for the next 3 babies.  Waves of emotions, moving, new jobs, change of plans, less sleep, more babies and one hundred more reasons to explain why I was having a hard time–I became an expert at justifying my emotions. If only I had realized what was truly going on.

(From RenoVatio)

My last baby is now seven; if I could go back to the new-mom version of myself, I would shake her and tell her to go to the doctor. Incessant anger and crying is not normal and, more importantly, is not normal for me.  My unknowing fault was chalking up these new emotions (that seem to be sticking around) to the new version of me. Kids change you, they say. Your hormones will be crazy, they say.  So I dealt with it. This had to be the new me.

I’m here to tell you that you should not accept a sad, angry, stressed out version of yourself as the new you. Babies change you, but they don’t (and shouldn’t) ruin your emotional stability (at least in the long term <wink>).

According to the World Health Organization, postpartum depression affects roughly 10 to 15 percent of women in industrialized countries and 20 to 40 percent in developing countries. The American Psychological Association puts that number at 1 in 7 women in the U.S. But hear me out–if I had taken this survey I would have marked that I did not have postpartum depression because I had no idea that is what I was dealing with! Makes you wonder what the real numbers are.

I can tell you now that my postpartum depression came in waves and usually displayed itself as anger and sadness.  Anger at everything. Anger at myself. Anger at my kids. Anger at life. But it was never out of control–I never felt like I was going to hurt myself or my children. Mine was a consistent grouchiness (which I could turn on and off depending on my social interactions).  When the anger fled it usually was replaced with sadness. The most frustrating part was trying to explain it to my husband. He would ask what was wrong and I truly could not explain it to him. Not even a little bit. I’d assure him that I really was happy (because I was), but sometimes I just felt off and didn’t know how to climb out of it.

 

SEE MORE: 10 WAYS TO SURVIVE POSTPARTUM {THE FOURTH TRIMESTER}

 

Let me describe my sadness–it isn’t what you think. Fine, it isn’t what I thought.  I read about depression and saw all the commercials.  I wasn’t withdrawing from what I loved. I still went out with my friends. I still laughed with my husband. I still got out of bed without having to pry my legs off the mattress. However, I was sad about everything. I cried when I dropped my spatula on the floor.  I cried when I didn’t have time to stop and grab a diet coke.  I cried when my son stopped abruptly and spilled his crackers. I cried when someone told a random story that had nothing to do with me or my children or my life–like at all (I hid these tears real good).  I cried when I read about a mouse named Chrysanthemum.  I cried when I forgot to change the laundry to the dryer.  The most interesting part to me now?? I didn’t question this behavior at all. None of this raised red flags to me, even though I had NEVER been like this before. This angry-sad-crying-thing is just what “having kids has made me”.  Right?! No. Guys…this is not normal. A dropped spatula should not make you cry.

As my youngest hit year 2-5, things had evened out. I cried less. I was angry less. I was happy!  Again, our life situation had adjusted, calming down a bit, and I chalked it all up to that.

And then the tears started again. Everything was hard, and sad, and so sad and then sometimes I didn’t want to get out of bed because my whole life would start over again and I just couldn’t.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Lightbulb!

Oh… so this feels more like the depression I read about.

Then one morning I looked at my clock and said “I don’t need to get up. I don’t want to. I won’t. Kids are better without a grumpy, crying mom.” And then the word depressed washed over me. Every. Single. Thing. Clicked. So this is what depression looks like… for me. Anger and tears. In the last 12 years I only had this one inkling of what depression looked like on paper, but that was enough to tie it all together for me. Wow.  What a long 12 years. Hindsight, amiright?

Bless our dear, sweet, patient (hopefully) spouses. This is hard on them, too. PsychologyToday.com published a wonderful article for dads (or any spouse) on how to help and what is not helpful when your loved one is dealing with postpartum depression. Share this with someone you love.

(Source)

My dear friend who works as a doula and has spent many, many hours with postpartum moms made an off-the-cuff comment that postpartum often times mimics PMS.  Imagine your bad PMS week — then extend it for weeks and months and sometimes years. This is what I had! This was me! This was so very much me!  And It is Not. Normal.  Check yourself, Mamas! I plead with you. Assess your emotional state. Ask your spouse if need be. What is different about me? Your postpartum depression may not look like Brooke Shields or the pamphlet from the hospital. That doesn’t mean you don’t have it and it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t seek help.  Don’t compare your struggles to someone else. And the kicker–just because you are completely functional doesn’t mean you are living your best possible life. If something feels off, get it checked out. It can’t hurt anything to have a conversation.

 

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My Postnatal Depression Made Me a BETTER Mom

 

 

 

My Postnatal Depression Made Me a BETTER Mom

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This article originally appeared on YourTango. By Mia Von Scha.

Plus, the 4 things you need to work through in order to see PND as a gift.

I’m no stranger to depression. From as far back as I can remember, I’ve had bouts of it, some severe, some just dragging out like a rainy British summer. So when I read about Postpartum Depression in a pregnancy book, I felt sure that I would recognize it if it hit me.

I didn’t. The first time I realized something was wrong, I was already on my way to familicide.

I was literally loosening the top of the gas bottle where my husband and baby were sleeping peacefully when it occurred to me that this was not normal. The thing is, I didn’t feel depressed. All that was going through my mind was how nice it was going to be to have a really long sleep.

Depression in the past for me had always meant crying…and crying…and crying. This was different. It manifested as an underlying irritability. Everything and everyone was annoying. My temper was short and my tongue was vicious. And the layers of guilt piled up high on top of that.

The morning after that realization, I called the PND help group. Even then, I was fighting to stay off meds. I wanted to be a “good mother” and breastfeed for as long as possible. I was told that a good mother is one who is alive to see her child grow up and bottle-fed babies grow up too. Too true.

And so began my journey to figure out what went wrong and how I could shift this depressive state once and for all.

My first glimmer of hope came from a talk I went to by a prominent nutritionist. He spoke about research they had conducted into PND and how the vast majority of cases were deficient in omega 3s. This specifically affected vegans and vegetarians.

I had been a vegetarian for 20 years. I put myself on a high dose of omega-3 fish oils (yes, I had to do some soul searching and moral debating first) and I weaned myself off the anti-depressants within 6 months.

During this time I did further research into PND and found four pervasive factors that contribute to your chances of going down this slippery slope:

1. Your perception of the birth

Well, I definitely ticked that box. I saw the whole experience as the most traumatic event of my life. I had anger toward the midwife for misunderstanding my needs and requests. I had anger toward my husband for not having to go through it; for just getting to enjoy the good bits.

I had anger towards myself for being so traumatized that I was unable to bond with my baby. I had A LOT of emotional processing to do. I set out to acquire the skills to do that. I had no intention of spending years in a psychologist’s office rehashing the event. I wanted results, and I wanted them yesterday.

Babies grow fast and there was one growing up in front of me needing me to be in my best possible state to raise her.

2. Your relationship with your mother

Research shows women with a poor relationship with their own mother have a much higher chance of having a traumatic birthing experience and a higher chance of depression post-partum. Tick again. My relationship with my mother was not horrific, more like not there.

Again, I set about finding the tools for letting go of the past and any lingering hurt, anger, and resentment. What I found was not just a way to understand the past but to actually come to a place of gratitude for everything that has ever happened, even the stuff we label as bad. A life of gratitude is a long way from a life of depression.

3. An instant and dramatic shift in values that you experience

It’s like being kicked out of your comfort zone so far that you have no idea what your comfort zone even looks like and no strength to crawl back in it if you did find it. It takes time and patience to form a new one and usually if the shift has been dramatic it means that your kids are coming out somewhere near the new top.

4. The link between depression and fantasies

I came across this one much later. All depression has its basis in an unfulfilled fantasy and nowhere is a fantasy more thrown in your face than in motherhood. The moving pictures and glossy pages that fill your pregnant world are endowed with images of doting mothers, smiling sweetly down at their breastfed babies.

They are not filled with bedraggled mothers wincing in pain as their babies latch into their cracked, bleeding nipples. They show you images of happy families, their white clothes blowing in the breeze as they throw their giggling baby into the air on the beach. 

They don’t show you the mother who cannot leave the house for fear of leaking through the two boat-sized pads she is wearing to soak up the B-grade horror movies’ worth of blood she’s losing daily.

They show you happy families, snuggling in bed together doting on their newborn with their hair looking gorgeous with their makeup already done. They don’t show you the unshaven husband sleeping on the couch because to his sleep-deprived wife, his snoring is more like a log than a straw breaking that poor camel’s back.

We get sold a well-meaning lie. The truth is uglier and harsher, but real. And acceptance of reality is one of the cornerstones of emotional well-being.

I had to face a lot of ugly messy truths, including the one where I was a less than perfect mother. And that is true. And that is OK.

You see what makes me good at the parenting coaching that I do now is not that I was (or ever will be) the perfect parent. What makes me good at what I do is that I struggled; that I was clueless and afraid and I messed it up quite badly.

The gratitude I have now for that depression is that I have great compassion and empathy for parents as they struggle with the daily messiness of parenting. I can guide them through the darkest bits even when their torches are totally flat because I’ve been there and I’ve walked that path in the dark and fallen in its many holes.

Parenting is not always a joy-filled awe-inspiring wonderful ride. Like all things in life, it has a darker side. It is in embracing and appreciating the dark side that we bring the two together and create wholeness.

It is in facing the uglier sides of reality that we go beyond depression and into gratitude. It is in allowing our children to challenge us and mold us and force us to grow that we really get the most out of parenting and life.

You see, postnatal depression is a healing journey. It is an invitation and incentive to revisit your priorities, to reconsider your past to make amends and to let go of what is no longer serving you.

It is an opportunity to heal and to move forward into your parenting journey without the baggage of the past. It is a gift to help you to be the best parent that you can be.

Please share this with anyone struggling with PND and contact Mia Von Scha if you need assistance in getting to the other side of your depression.

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6 Things Depressed Parents Need to Know

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This article originally appeared on YourTango. By Donna Begg.

6 Things Depressed Parents Need to Know

Depression is a common but serious mood disorder that affects 1 in 10 Americans at some point in their lives. More than 80 percent of people with symptoms of depression don’t receive adequate treatment for their condition, but the number of diagnosed cases keeps increasing by 20 percent each year.

Depression is more than a feeling of sadness. It’s associated with multiple physical and mental symptoms and it has a major impact on a person’s quality of life and their family.

Since adults are usually the ones affected by depression, one has to wonder how it’s really like to be a parent and deal with this serious problem. 

Parental Depression And Children

Although widespread, depression is still misunderstood. It is not uncommon for people to identify it with a common feeling of sadness, but as mentioned before, depression is more than that. Moreover, this mood disorder affects the entire family of an individual and not just one person.

The JAMA Psychiatry published results of a study which showed that children of depressed parents experience various problems too. The research found that diagnoses of parental depression throughout a child’s life were strongly associated with worsening school performance.

It is important to mention that both maternal and paternal depression had a negative impact on a child’s life.

Scientists concluded that parental depression has a far-reaching effect on an important aspect of a child’s development, with implications for future life course outcomes. Scientists who worked on the study explain that depression in a parent is a modifiable risk factor because the parent’s symptoms can be treated.

Parental depression is also associated with:

  • Child’s poorer physical health and wellbeing
  • Behavior problems in children
  • Greater functional impairment
  • Higher rates of anxiety and depression among children and adolescents.

If you have anxiety, manic depression, or some other form of mood disorder, you already know parenting isn’t easy.

What do parents with depression and anxiety want you to know? People who struggle with depression or some other mood disorder and have kids at the same time, want others to know the following:

  • They aren’t irresponsible.
  • Struggling with depression/anxiety isn’t a sign of weakness.
  • Depressed parents aren’t selfish.
  • There are good days and bad days.
  • Regardless of the circumstances, depressed parents do their best to take care of their children.
  • They, sometimes, don’t confide in others out of fear of being shamed.
  • Depressed parents are NOT unfit parents.

Parenting isn’t the easiest job in the world, generally, and it requires a perfect balance between work and home. You also need a lot of time, resources, and emotional and physical strength.

When a person is struggling with depression, these needs are amplified. Here, we can compare depression to some severe diseases such as cancer, diabetes, and so on. At some point, this problem compromises a person’s functioning and his/her family.

Parents with depression also have the added challenges of irregular sleep, lack of energy, trouble concentrating and sustaining attention, irritability, and moodiness. Some signs of depression such as feelings of helplessness and low self-esteem become even more severe in depressed parents.

A consistent family routine and support from loved ones are crucial, but there are many other things one can do.

Parents who deal with depression and anxiety along with raising kids, witness numerous challenges. How to parent when depressed? You shouldn’t forget the following:

1. It’s okay to be “good enough”.

Chasing perfection can be quite exhausting and overwhelming for a person. Nobody’s perfect and always bear in mind it’s okay to be “good enough”, you’re doing your best

2. Get support. 

Depression may make you feel like you’re alone, but you’re not. You don’t have to deal with it on your own, get support from family, friends, and other parents who’re going through the same

3. Depression doesn’t define you.

It’s not uncommon for people to identify themselves as their condition, but you should avoid doing so. Depression is an illness, it’s not you!

4. Take a break.

Don’t blame yourself for your condition, it’s not your fault. It’s okay to take a break from time to time, relax, and take care of yourself. If necessary, ask someone to babysit or pick kids up from school if you feel overwhelmed that day

5. Make time for yourself.

Depressed parents usually feel guilty when they do something for themselves, but everybody needs it from time to time. Make some time for yourself, read a book, write, do what makes you happy. This is an immediate mood lifter and your children will be grateful as well

6. Understand your triggers.

Depression is persistent, but there are good and bad days. Some situations only worsen your condition, keep a journal and write everything down. Understand your triggers and do your best to avoid or manage them.

Parents with depression face various challenges and their condition can have a major impact on their children. Establishing a routine for an entire family, making some time for yourself, and acknowledging the fact it is not your fault and that illness doesn’t define you is a good way to cope.

Remember, get support!

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Is “13 Reasons Why” To Blame For Teens’ Deaths?

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The recent news that 2 California teens committed suicide after watching the Netflix series”13 Reasons Why” comes on the heels of the announcement that the series will be renewed for a 2nd season. The families claim that “13 Reasons Why” triggered the teen suicides, both girls having battled depression in the past and having watched the show within days of taking their own lives.

Is the show to blame?

Can the show really be to blame for the teens’ suicides? Netflix had already strengthened and added new warnings to viewers before watching the show. But is that enough? As a teen, are you really in a place to set aside warnings when all your peers are watching and talking about “13 Reasons Why”? The show is clearly marketed toward teenage viewers regardless of the TV-M rating and the intent to bring awareness to parents of sexual assault, bullying and suicide. Consider the viewer who is emotionally stable and able to watch the show, separating fiction from reality. Now consider you are a teen – an emotional teen who battles anxiety, depression and faces bullying at school. Is there a difference between the impact of the show on these two different viewers? I think it would be foolish to ignore the impact that the show can have considering the life circumstances of the viewer. Even if you or your kid watched the show and had no adverse reaction, be aware of those around you that may not have had the same response.

What can parents do?

There was plenty of outrage over this show when it was first released which only seemed to increase the exposure to the show. With another season now on the horizon, will more families claim that watching “13 Reasons Why” triggered their teen’s suicide? John Herndon, father of Bella who took her life after watching the show said he is working to being talks with Netflix with the goal of asking them to pull the first season of “13 Reasons Why” and to halt production on the second season. Additionally, he would like to see that Netflix take new measures to better inform parents of mature content accessible to kids.

For now, monitor your kid’s Netlix watching by checking the “Continue watching” on the account or us the parental controls to restrict mature content. Warnings can only do so much especially if the parent isn’t even aware of the warning. I volunteered at my son’s intermediate school book fair. When I rang up a book, it displayed a reader warning. I told the child buying the book that there was a mature content warning but I knew that warning wasn’t going to go anywhere. How would the parents even know about this warning since it only popped up while I rang up the book at the school’s book fair? If you aren’t going to be able to stop your kids from consuming material that you haven’t screened, talk to them about what they are watching, reading and talking about at school. Talk to other parents and let them know about the issues surrounding “13 Reasons Why”. Even schools have sent letters to parents warning them of the show. Share on Facebook. If the show must go on, warn others about the content of the show so they can at least be aware.

Also, keep talking to your teen! I know it’s easier said than done. I know teens don’t want to share with parents what is really going on. But don’t give up. Keep interfering. Keep trying. Watch for behavior changes and be ready to listen when they’re ready to talk – even if it is about the small stuff. Stay involved in their lives to the greatest extent you can. Knowing friends of your kids is just as important as knowing your kid.

 

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Science Shows How A Trip To The Beach Actually Changes Your Brain

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by Rebecca Jane Stokes

Get there, ASAP.

The ocean. A lake. A babbling creek. 

Each body of water conjures a feeling inside of us even as we read the words. 

You don’t have to be an outdoor girl to acknowledge that spending time by the water can leave you feeling rested, recharged, soothed, and restored. 

I’m a total water baby. Not only am I a Cancer, but I’ve always lived right on the water. 

The farther away from it I am, the more stressed out and unhappy I feel. 

It turns out that I’m not a secret mermaid (boo).

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I’m just a human being having a very natural and scientific reaction to what researchers call blue space. 

So what exactly happens when we spend time by the water? 

Our minds are sent into a restful almost hypnotic space thanks to the soothing smells and sounds of the water.

Scientists are sure that as they continue to study blue space that spending time in one can’t help but boost your mental health.

 

1. It reduces depression.

Did you know that the sound of waves can put people in a true meditative state? It can, and that state in turn is linked to increased mental clarity and reduced depression.

Sebastian was right. It is better under the sea. That said, Prince Eric was admittedly, quite fine.

 

2. It makes you more creative.

Being in a blue space can also bolster your creativity. 

Because your brain is relaxed, you are more likely to drift and imagine than you are on a day to day basis. 

 

3. It de-stresses you. 

Taking a dip also helps because the water is full of naturally occurring negative ions. Some scientists believe that the positive ions given off by the appliances everyday leave us feeling angry, cranky, and overworked. Naturally occurring negative ions counteract all of this. I’ll be real, this sounds a little bit too much like something George RR Martin might cook up, but I love the ocean, so I’ll go with it. 

 

4. It changes your perspective on the world. 

Plus it doesn’t hurt to be reminded that there are things bigger on this planet then us, our commutes, or a traffic jam. Being in the presence of nature is soothing as hell. 

I guess this means it is only a matter of time before doctors are prescribing beach time alongside antidepressants.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my Prozac, but I feel like there would be much less of a stigma around an activity that involves dolphins and bikinis. 

 

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Comic Series Takes A Candid Look Inside The Mind Of Someone With Anxiety And Depression

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When Holly Hindle draws herself, she draws herself as a bear. For Hindle, 27, bears make her comics more relatable and provide an escape from body image issues. While the bears might provide an escape for Hindle, her comic series The Bear Minimum, doesn’t shy away from important issues like depression and anxiety.

Holly Hindle

Holly Hindle

“When I started out making the comics initially, it was an art-based challenge — to draw a comic every day for the month of January,” Hindle told The Mighty. “Eventually I found making comics directly about my life such as artist problems, my mental health and community problems within fandoms. [It] really started to feel cathartic. I was seeing a counselor only sporadically, so the comic became a great way to express issues and joys as well as connect with people like myself.”

Holly Hindle

Holly Hindle

The experiences Hindle illustrates are inspired by her experience living with generalized anxiety disorder, depression, and dermatillomania. Her comics are candid, giving readers an unabashed look inside her anxious mind. “Despite my original reservations about posting such unfinished doodle artworks, the feedback has been astonishing,” the Ontario-based illustrator said.

Holly Hindle

Holly Hindle

Overall, working on The Bear Minimum has been extremely rewarding, Hindle said. “Repressing or hiding the fact that you are mentally ill is like a slow poison, one that slowly erodes away at everything that makes you who you are,” she added. “Seeking help can be terrifying, especially if you’re anxious! Breaking free of that and taking the first step means everything. Having the patience and determination to heal is half the struggle, finding a way to love yourself the way you are is the rest.”

Holly Hindle

Holly Hindle

50 Brilliant Techniques That’ll Calm Stressed Kids Down IMMEDIATELY

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Stressed kids? Try these tips to get them to chill.

Sometimes deep breathing isn’t the solution.

When your child is in need of tension relief, parents can help by trying one of these techniques to calm them down:

1. Try an inversion. 

For centuries, Yogis have understood the calming power of bringing the head below the level of the heart, otherwise known as inversion.

Whether it’s relaxing in child’s pose, bending over to touch your toes, or practicing a headstand, inverting the body has a restorative effect on the autonomic nervous system, which controls the body’s response to stress.

2. Visualize a quiet place.

Research has shown that visualization is beneficial for a range of populations to reduce stress levels. Ask your child to close their eyes and picture a calm, peaceful place. Then, gently guide them to slowly start to build up a picture of how it looks, smells, and feels to be there.

3. Drink water.

Dehydration has been linked to a reduction in mental performance. Pour your child a tall class of cold water and have them sip it slowly. You can try this with them, and observe the calming effect this has on your own nervous system.

4. Sing out loud.

Everyone knows the sweet relief associated with rocking out to your favorite tune. But the physical act of singing out loud, even if it is off key, has been shown to release endorphins, the “feel good” chemical in the brain.

5. Do the “Downward Facing Dog” pose. 

Just like inversions help reset the autonomic nervous system, the yoga pose known as Downward Facing Dog, in particular, has the added benefit of activating several muscles in the arms, legs, and core.

This stretch helps muscles begin to burn additional blood glucose that is made available by the body’s fight or flight response.

6. Paint it out. 

Not only does painting give the brain something to focus on other than the stressor, but participating in visual arts has been linked to resilience to stress in general.

If the thought of dragging out the tempera gives you stress, have your child try “painting” with shaving cream on a plastic shower curtain in the yard. Not only is clean up a breeze, but your child will smell great when they are finished.

7. Jump rope.

Set a timer for 2 minutes, put on some music, and challenge your child to jump to the beat of the song. If your child isn’t able to jump rope, playing hop scotch is a great alternative.

8. Jump high. 

Challenge your child to a jumping contest to see who can jump highest, longest, fastest, or slowest. This is another great way to get in some exercise to help your child blow off some steam.

9. Blow bubbles. 

Just like blowing on a pinwheel, blowing bubbles can help your child gain control of their breathing and thus, their mental state. Bonus: Running around popping bubbles is just as fun as blowing them.

10. Take a hot bath. 

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After a long day at work, there is nothing more relaxing than laying in a bathtub of hot water with the lights turned down and no interruptions. The same holds true for kids.

Use bath time as a chance to help your little one unwind from the activities of the day. Introduce a few simple bath toys and allow your child to relax as long as they need to.

11. Take a cold shower. 

While the complete opposite of a hot bath, cold showers actually have a restorative effect on the body. Not only do cold or even cool showers reduce inflammation in the muscles, it improves heart flow back to the heart, and leads to a boost in mood.

One study on winter swimmers found that tension, fatigue, depression, and negative moods all decreased with regular plunges into cold water.

12. Have a cozy drink. 

There is a reason why many people herald September as the beginning of Pumpkin Spice Latte (PSL) season.

Drinking a warm drink on a cool day makes your body feel warm, almost like a hug from the inside. Giving your child a warm hot chocolate or warmed milk with a splash of vanilla will elicit the same response you have over that first sip of your PSL.

13. Blow out a candle. 

Light a candle for your child to blow out. Then re-light it and move it further and further away from them, so they have to take deeper and deeper breaths to blow it out. This is a great way to practice deep breathing, while making a game out of it.

14. Watch fish. 

Have you ever wondered why there is always a fish tank in hospitals and medical centers? The University of Exeter in the UK did, and found that watching fish swim in an aquarium reduces blood pressure and heart rate.

Better yet, the larger the fish tank, the greater the effect. The next time your child needs to calm down, take them to the local lake, hatchery, or aquarium for a little fish-watching therapy.

15. Count backwards from 100. 

Not only does counting give your child a chance to focus on something other than what is bothering them, counting backwards offers an added concentration challenge without overwhelming their brain.

16. Repeat a mantra. 

Create a mantra that you and your child can use to help them calm down. “I am calm” or “I am relaxed” work well, but feel free to get creative and make it something personal to you and your child.

17. Breathe into your belly. 

Most of us breathe incorrectly, especially when we are in a stressful situation. Have your child think about their belly like it is a balloon. Tell them to breathe in deep to fill the balloon, and breathe out to deflate it.

Repeat this simple process 5 times and notice the effects.

18. Shake a glitter jar. 

“Calm Down Jars” have been making their way around Pinterest for a while now, but the concept behind them is sound.

Giving your child a focal point for 3-5 minutes that is not the stressor will allow their brain and body to reset itself. These jars can be made simply from sealed canning jars filled with colored water and glitter or with baby food jars filled with warm water and glitter glue.

19. Go for a run. 

Running has been shown to reduce stress, and can sometimes be more effective than a trip to the therapist’s office. Going for a 10 minute jog can not only affect your child’s mood immediately, its effects on their ability to cope with stress can last for several hours afterward.

20. Count to 5. 

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Just when it seems as though they “can’t take it anymore”, have your child close their eyes and count to five. This form of 5-second meditation offers the brain a chance to reset itself and be able to look at a situation from a different perspective.

It also gives your child a chance to think before they act in a volatile situation.

21. Talk it out. 

For children who are able to verbalize their feelings, talking about what is bothering them gives them a chance to let you know what is going on while processing it for themselves.

The trick is to resist the urge to “fix” the problem. Your child needs you to listen and ask appropriate questions, not offer unsolicited advice.

22. Write a letter in the voice of your BFF. 

We would never talk to our best friend in the same critical way we talk to ourselves. The same is true for our children. Tell them to be kind to themselves, and ask them what they would tell a best friend to do in their situation.

23. Decorate a wall. 

We’re not talking about paint and decor, but poster tack and pictures from magazines or printed from the internet can give your child a chance to create large-scale temporary art in any space. The creative process is what is important, not the end result.

24. Create a vision board. 

Have your child cut out words and pictures from magazines that speak to their interests, desires, and dreams. Then have them glue these pictures and words onto a poster board to display in their room.

Not only does the process of creation allow them to think about what they want from life, displaying things they love gives them an opportunity to focus on what is really important when they are upset.

25. Give or get a bear hug. 

Hugging allows your body to produce oxytocin, a naturally occurring hormone in your body necessary for immune system function. Not only does a 20-second hug reduce blood pressure, increase feelings of well-being, and reduce the harmful physical effects of stress, both you and your child will reap the benefits!

26. Walk in nature. 

According to Stanford scientists, walking in nature has been proven to improve cognition and reduce stress. Even if you do not have time to spend the 50 minutes researchers did, taking a 15 minute walk in nature works can be just what your child needs.

27. Envision your best self. 

This is a great way to motivate your child to work toward a goal. Have them write down where they would like to see themselves in a week, a month, or a year, with this specific goal in mind.

28. Blow on a pinwheel. 

Similar to the candle exercise, blowing on a pinwheel focuses more on controlled exhalation rather than deep inhalation. Tell your child to make the pinwheel go slow, then fast, then slow to show them how they can vary the rate at which they blow out the air in their lungs.

29. Squish some putty. 

When a child plays with putty, the brain’s electrical impulses begin firing away from the areas associated with stress. Try a store bought putty or make your own.

30. Take up pottery. 

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Much in the way playing with putty fires electrical impulses in your child’s brain, sculpting with clay or throwing pots can have a similar effect. It also has the added benefit of being considered “active learning”, a powerful condition that allows your child to learn through exploration.

31. Write it out. 

For older children, journaling, or writing their feelings down can have a profound effect on their mood, especially if they can do so without the fear of having it read. Give your child a notebook to keep in a safe place, and allow them to write about how they feel, assuring them you will not read it unless they ask you to.

32. Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. 

A cousin to “write it out”, gratitude journaling has been linked to better performance in the classroom as well as a reduction of stress outside of learning environments. Having a separate notebook only for things your child is grateful for will give them the freedom to keep their journaling activities separate.

33. Name your emotion. 

Often when children become overwhelmed, it is because they have difficulty identifying the negative thoughts they are having. Whether your child is quick to anger, panic, or obsess to ensure things are perfect, ask them to give this feeling a name, and help them talk back to it.

For instance, by asking your child, “Is Mr. Perfect bothering you again?”, you can work together to help them challenge their perfectionism, rather than fight them over it.

34. Rock in a rocking chair. 

Not only does rocking in a rocking chair provide non-weight bearing strengthening to the knees and core, its repetitive nature offers stress-relief as well. Rock in a rocking chair with your child or allow them to rock by themselves as a way to self-soothe their frenzied emotions.

35. Push against a wall. 

This trick is perfect for allowing the body to get rid of stress hormones without having to go outside or even leave the room. Have your child try to push the wall over for 10 seconds, 3 times.

This process allows the muscles to contract in a futile attempt to bring the wall down, then relax, releasing feel-good hormones into the body.

36. Crinkle tissue paper. 

Babies are inherently aware of this trick as one of their favorite things to do is crinkle paper. Not only does crinkling tissue paper provide a satisfying noise, the textural changes in your child’s hand sends sensory feedback to the brain in a pathway away from those associated with stress.

37. Pop bubble wrap.

Anyone who has received a package in the mail knows the joy of popping row after row of bubble wrap. The same material can be found at most retailers and dollar stores and be cut into manageable pieces for stress-relief anywhere, anytime.

38. Roll a tennis ball on your back.

An old physical therapy trick, rolling a tennis ball on your child’s back will give them a gentlemassage when they are most in need of a calming touch. Focus on the shoulders, neck, and lower back as these are typical places where the body holds tension.

39. Roll a golf ball under your feet. 

Rolling a golf ball under your child’s feet can not only improve circulation, but there are pressure points on the bottom of the feet that relieve stress and relax the muscles of the feet and legs.

Roll over the entire sole of your child’s foot using various pressures for maximum benefit.

40. Go to your calm down space. 

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Having a designated “Calm Down Space” in your home gives children an opportunity to retreat when they feel out of control and rejoin the group when they need to.

It is important to make this space comfortable so your child wants to visit it when they are in need of a self-imposed “time out”.

41. Play music. 

Music has a profound effect on mood, sleep, stress, and anxiety. Use a variety of musical styles to set the tone in your home, car, or your child’s room.

42. Have a dance party.

Adding a physical component to your musical enjoyment gets your kids moving and is a fun way to be active. Crank up the tunes and have a dance party in your living room when your child is in a bad mood and watch their mood transform.

43. Do a primal yell. 

Sometimes all of your child’s emotions are simply too much to contain in their body.

Have them stand with their feet shoulder width apart and imagine their feelings boiling up from their toes through their legs and body, and out of their mouths. They don’t have to yell words, or even maintain a certain pitch, just whatever comes out that feels good to them.

44. Change the scenery. 

How many times have we thought to ourselves, “Just walk away,” when confronted by a big emotion? Your child may simply need a change of scenery in order to calm down.

If you are inside, head out. If you are outside, find a quiet space indoors. Either way, change the scenery and you will likely change the mood.

45. Go for a walk. 

There’s a real reason people go for walks to clear their heads. Not only is the fresh air and exercise restorative, but the natural rhythm walking creates has a self-soothing quality.

Take your child on a walk, and they may even open up to you about what is on their mind.

46. Plan a fun activity. 

When you are in an anxious moment, it can seem as though the walls are closing in and the world will come to an end. Some children need to focus on what is ahead of them in order to reset their internal dialog.

Plan something fun to do as a family, and let your child have a say in it. Any topic that will get them focused on a future something to look forward to can be helpful.

47. Knead the bread. 

Grandmothers around the world will tell you that the process of bread making is a tremendous stress relief. Simple recipes are abundant online that allow your child to get their hands dirty turning and pushing dough.

The best part is that at the end, you have homemade bread to show for it!

48. Make a bracelet.

Crafting in general can facilitate a state of “flow” or a state characterized by complete absorption in an activity. The same concept can be extended to knitting, crochet, folding laundry, or any activity where your child forgets their external surroundings.

49. Get on a bike.

Bicycling for children has largely become a thing of the past.

With the introduction of bicycle lanes and paved trails in urban areas, bicycling is safer than ever and can be a powerful form of self-soothing. Not only is it easy on the joints, it promotes balance, exercise, and can be done with the whole family.

50. Take a coloring break. 

It’s not without good reason that restaurants give children coloring; it gives them something to focus on, and can be a great mindfulness activity that reduces anxiety.

Make a trip with your child to pick up some crayons and markers, and get them excited about filling in the pages of a coloring book.

About Renee Jain
Known as a leading childhood happiness and resilience expert, Renee’s first-of-its-kind online animation programs, GoStrengths! and GoZen!, are systematically tackling the epidemic that plagues our youth today: suicide, depression and anxiety related mental illness. 1 in 5 children will struggle with depression before the age of 18, setting them up for a lifetime of unnecessary struggle. Renee has a plan–prevention.

Renee is one of less than 300 people in the world to earn her Master’s degree in Positive Psychology – the scientific study of optimal human functioning – from the University of Pennsylvania. Renee has been personally mentored and trained by some of the top depression prevention experts in the world. A gifted life coach, she has coached over 5,000 clients in the science of resilience.

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