Learn how to cook the best filet mignon using a cast iron skillet and oven. This easy recipe will give you a perfect steak every time. Sponsored by Iowa Corn How to Cook the Best Filet Mignon A filet mignon is one of my favorite cuts of meat. It’s also one of the most expensive […]
Easy Sausage Potato Soup Recipe along with a visit to Iowa to get your farming, food and environmental questions answered. A recap of the Iowa Corn Quest food blogger tour with answers to many of today’s concerns about our food and environment. Sponsored by Iowa Corn – All opinions my own Easy Sausage Potato Soup […]
These Halloween Chocolate Cupcakes with a Surprise Inside are so easy and lots of fun! You won’t be able to resist biting into these chocolate cupcakes topped with rich chocolate buttercream frosting and a surprise filling. A simple Halloween dessert! Halloween Chocolate Cupcakes with a Surprise Inside Easy Halloween Chocolate Cupcakes with a Surprise Inside will […]
The post Halloween Chocolate Cupcakes with a Surprise Inside appeared first on Living Locurto.
Serving this easy Spider-Man Candy Popcorn recipe made with sour cherry candy will make you the hero of the party! A fun snack for a birthday party or movie night at home with your family. Sponsored by Conagra Spider-man Candy Popcorn Make this easy Spider-Man Candy Popcorn recipe and you’ll be the hero of your […]
Enjoy this easy M&M Cookies in a Jar recipe! It’s a delicious homemade gift for family, teachers or friends for Halloween. Halloween M&M Cookies in a Jar Cookies in a jar are great homemade gifts for teachers and friends! We made these tasty Halloween M&M Cookies in a Jar craft many years ago at one […]
With only 5 minutes of prep time and a pressure cooker, this easy Instant Pot Pulled Pork recipe makes the best BBQ sandwiches! Easy Instant Pot Pulled Pork Pressure Cooker Instant Pot Pulled Pork makes dinner a breeze! When you don’t have time to make dinner, this Instant Pot Pulled Pork recipe will come to […]
This delicious baked shrimp with lemon, garlic and butter is a a quick and easy oven-roasted shrimp recipe perfect for a quick dinner. How to Make the Best Baked Shrimp This mouth-watering baked shrimp is on of my go-to recipes when I need a super easy homemade dinner fast! There is nothing easier than making […]
We’ve ordered pizza, and I’m cleaning up after dinner. I’ve just opened the trash can to toss a crumpled paper towel when I spot it: one of my kids has peeled the cheese off their slice — the best damn part, in my opinion. There it lies, at the top of the garbage can.
To everybody else, it looks like what it is. Garbage.
But to me, it looks delicious.
Don’t do it, my mind immediately admonishes. For starters, it’s someone else’s discarded cheese. I’m not even sure why they didn’t eat it; it could’ve been sneezed on or dropped or dog-licked, for all I know. More importantly, it’s in the fucking trash. Somewhere in my brain, the logical part of me cringes.
But that’s immediately overridden by a compulsion I know all too well, and here come the rationalizations. Things like, “We paid good money for that, it shouldn’t go to waste,” and “It’s just touching napkins, it’s not really up against the nasty trash.”
Before I know it, the cheese has found its way from the garbage into my mouth, and as I hastily chew, the guilt and bitter realization overpower all the flavor. I’m a 38-year-old woman, full from my own (fresh-from-the-pizza-box) dinner, who has just eaten something out of the trash. Not out of necessity or desperation, thank goodness, but because I literally cannot control my own impulses when it comes to food.
I’ll be the first to admit that scenarios like this are kinda funny, but it’s a symptom of a larger, uglier issue that I struggle with on a daily basis. Because I’m completely, hopelessly addicted to food.
Food addiction has been a long-debated topic. A 2013 study conducted by addiction expert Francesco Leri, Associate Professor of Neuroscience and Applied Cognitive Science at the University of Guelph indicated that high fructose corn syrup, which is found in many foods, can cause addiction-like behaviors. But some researchers argue that you can’t be addicted to food itself, that it’s an underlying condition — anxiety or depression or another mood disorder — and “food addiction” is simply a symptom of a larger problem.
But I know this much: whatever it is, whatever’s behind it, has me in a perpetual chokehold. And it’s miserable.
When my eyes open in the morning, my first thoughts are of food … namely, how much control is it going to have over me today? On a “good” day, when my self-discipline kicks in, I eat less. Not because I’m not tempted to eat — I still think about food every few minutes literally all day long — but because at that moment, for whatever reason, I have the ability to resist. Sometimes I don’t eat at all, to “make up for” the days when I’ve grossly overdone it.
I know that’s unhealthy, but I find that it’s easier to refrain altogether than to try to just eat a little bit. I know that once I put something in my mouth, it’s game over. Any self-control I’ve mastered that day will fly right out the window, and I’ll soon be digging elbow-deep into the fridge and berating myself for how weak my willpower is. I don’t purge; I’m not bulimic, though if I’m being honest, I’d have probably tried it if I didn’t have a deep-seated loathing for vomit. I just wallow in the guilt, my self-worth temporarily reduced to the number of calories I know I’ve just ingested.
It’s so easy for someone who doesn’t understand this food-obsessed life to “helpfully” suggest that I try cutting back on portion sizes. For me, cutting down on portion sizes is eating three servings instead of six. And on bad days, portion control isn’t even an option. The thought of limiting my serving size literally makes me feel panicky and deprived before I even get started eating, as though someone has told me that single portion is all I’ll get to eat for the rest of the week.
You wouldn’t look at me and guess I have such an issue. I’m not substantially overweight. I may hang onto an extra ten or twelve pounds, but I’ve also got four kids, so that isn’t abnormal. I teach group fitness classes. Anybody who knows me knows that I’m a big eater, and people regularly express surprise at how much I can put away in one sitting. But they don’t know the half of it.
I’ve tried everything to keep food from ruling my life. Every trick in the book. I’ve downed my weight in freaking ice water to “keep myself full” (HA HA HA). I’ve taken appetite suppressants, tantamount to legal speed, which suppress nothing but my ability to sit still without jittering. I’ve tried keeping only healthier foods on hand, but I’ll inhale an entire bag of turkey jerky or mini rice cakes as readily as I’ll inhale a bag of chips. I’ve tried eating slowly to give my brain time to register when I’ve had enough. I’ve tried eating mindfully, focusing intently on the taste and texture and aroma of my food. But instead of making me feel more satisfied, I’m not satisfied until I have more.
It’s an endless loop of disordered eating. And I’m stuck, despite my best efforts.
You can’t quit food, the way you can quit smoking cigarettes or drinking caffeine. So what am I supposed to do when the very thing keeping me oppressed is also the thing keeping me alive?
Easy Apple OREO Balls to kick off back to school season. Enjoy a fun food craft recipe with free printables for an adorable teacher gift or back to school party. Sponsored by Oriental Trading Cute Apple OREO Balls I can’t believe we’ll be back to school soon! I made some cute Apple OREO Balls to […]
This amazing creamy shrimp pasta is an easy recipe with garlic butter and spinach sauce. Flavorful spices, tomatoes and cream cheese makes this rich dish irresistible! Easy Creamy Shrimp Pasta When it comes to shrimp pasta, this Creamy Garlic Butter Shrimp Pasta Recipe is about as good as it gets! I have been making this […]