From The Confessional: I Can’t Quit Social Media Even Though It Drives Me Nuts

Not being able to quit social media even though it makes you miserable is extremely on-brand for 2020

Social media is just one of the million reasons it feels like this year has gone on for an entire decade so far, and it’s only July. With the pandemic escalating at alarming rates in the U.S. and racists showing their entire asses all over Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram — it’s one hell of a ride. Conspiracy theories, white supremacy, and people posting not-very-social-distancey photos make it hard to look away, because so many of us are tempted to use our knowledge and privilege to tell everyone why they’re wrong.

It’s mind-numbing. It’s probably bad for our mental health. But we just can’t quit you, social media.

Confessional #25785442

“I just cleared all my social media networks of people that say stupid shit like "all lives matter," "blue lives matter," "not all cops are bad," or tone-police & shame protesters for property damage. It they don't get it yet, they're never going to.”

Confessional #25784763

“I need to stay off of social media for my own mental health. The mental gymnastics that people do to justify their racism is infuriating.”

Confessional #25784422

“I've spent the last three months doing nothing other than scrolling through social media and watching the news for 16 hours a day.”

Between the YouTube medical “experts” and the people who believe their 5G/Bill Gates/anti-vaxx bullshit and your local hairstylist posting in favor of the police murdering Black people, social media can feel like A Lot.

Confessional #25784187

“I just can't with social media anymore. The racist bullshit is too much and I just fucking can't.”

Confessional #25782311

“Realizing via social media that so many friends have vastly different political views than I do.”

Ignoring it doesn’t work, especially if you’re not a marginalized person. You know you need to use your voice and your privilege to call this crap out and not stay silent or complicit. Taking a break is fine, sure, we all have to look out for our mental health. But we can’t let people post harmful misinformation, so we soldier on and scroll through the endless sea of garbage.

Confessional #25779091

“Taking a few days from social media, wats app and the news to reconnect. Feel so disjointed, lost and emotionally drained. Also.fasting in the hope that I reconnect with God and find myself, my purpose and just life in general.”

Confessional #25777657

“My friend posts (with photos) everything she does with her kid during quarantine to social media. She's a close friend but I've unfollowed her for my sanity and our friendship. There's no award for best quarantine mom! No one cares.”

Confessional #25787967

“Facebook is a curse and I wish I wasn't so addicted to it It makes me feel like shit.”

This year in particular, people are showing their true political colors and posting their thoughts publicly more than they typically would — or so it seems, right? Some people have been pleasantly surprising. Others…well…not so much.

Confessional #25785097

“I started unfriending people on my Facebook who are too privileged, too over-the-top and too fucking entitled. I can’t take it anymore, it’s so filthy and disgusting.”

Also? Activism is great. The uptick in people finally waking up and taking action against police brutality, systemic racism, sexism, and anti-science idiots is also great. But sometimes it can feel a but performative.

Confessional #25784507

“Getting sick of white friends posting everything they're doing to support BLM on Facebook. JUST DO IT. Stop trying to make yourself feel or look better by announcing it to the world.”

Confessional #25784232

“I’ve unfriended 7 people on Facebook since the protests began and I’m sure there will be many more to come. Property can be replaced. Lives can’t.”

Confessional #25782825

“I posted a heartfelt post on Facebook about the injustices that so many people in America face and had to delete it because H wouldn’t stop arguing with my friends in the comments”

If you’re having trouble staying off of social media or staying “quiet,” you’re not alone. It’s draining to see so many people melt down over masks, intelligent experts sharing their expertise, and posting “Blue Lives Matter” or Confederate flag memes.

Staying true to the right side of history via social media is necessary right now, though. Solidarity.

The post From The Confessional: I Can’t Quit Social Media Even Though It Drives Me Nuts appeared first on Scary Mommy.

From The Confessional: We’re Tired AF Of Cleaning Up Everyone’s Sh*t

Motherhood is messy. There’s no other way around it. It’s a literal shit-show to start, and then it’s a full-on disaster every day forward—from the toddler days of dumping all the Tupperware out of the cabinets over and over all day long, to the big kid years of “crafting,” eating snacks everywhere, and letting dirty cups pile up in their rooms. Babies are boogery and messy and smelly. But turns out, so are teenagers. And eight-year-olds. And then, someday, they grow up and leave. But not long after, we have grandkids who come over and fuck shit up all over again.

So yeah, messy.

Some moms miraculously have clean houses. (I’ve never understood this.) It might be because they’re just naturally organized and actually have a place for every single tiny LOL doll and Shopkin. It might be due to anxiety and the need for neatness and order to function. Or it might be because you secretly (or not so secretly) have a housecleaner that makes the beds and flushes the toilets and hangs up the wet towels that are all over the floor.

Those are the only explanations I can come up with.

Now that my kids are older, they are helping more and have new chores this summer that they’ve never had before, so that’s a huge help to Mom. But is my house still a post-apocalyptic shit-show on the regular? Yeah. And I’m pretty sure it always will be.

The Scary Mommy confessional is full of moms with thoughts on their own messy homes—whether they’re actually fine with it but are sick of judgment from others, or whether they’re not fine with it, but can’t get it under control (and also are sick of judgment from others). A lot of moms, however, are just freaking tired of the mess. Tired of the stickiness and poop and pee and piles of toys and never-ending dishes and laundry.

But most of all, moms are tired of feeling invisible and taken for granted as we seem to be the only ones who fucking see it.

Confessional #25785384

“Entire house is a disaster, usually hate messes but I have no motivation anymore. I could spend an entire day cleaning and my DS would have it undone in less than an hour. So frustrating! He refuses to help. Wish I could ship him off somewhere for a week”

Confessional #25780780

“I think if I left my family would miss me... just not because they love me. Because they would be lost without the magical fairy that cleans up their messes, washes their clothes, pays for their life style, and overall makes every responsibility disapear.”

Confessional #25775194

“I can clean my kitchen spotless and my fucking slob husband will have it destroyed before I get home from work. So tired of not even being able to cook for myself because he’s left a fucking mess everywhere.”

Confessional #25783086

“I'm sick and tired of cleaning up messes that I didn't make.”

So, if anyone else in the house could, maybe, step up and take out the trash or fold a damn towel or wash a fork, that’d be great.

Confessional #25785258

“Jesus christ I swear if it's not one of the kids making messes and/or ruining shit, it's one of the pets.”

Confessional #25785168

“My house is constantly messy but I have 2 little kids and ADD. It is damn near impossible to keep things neat and tidy. FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE”

Confessional #25776424

“When I signed up to be a parent no one told me about grabbing turds out of the bathtub with your bare hands before they can dissolve and make a bigger mess.”

Little kids are gross. Cute, but gross. Pets too.

Confessional #25783603

“Annoyed how the kids mess up the house - handprints on everything, the playing that scratches furniture, chipping paint, Wearing the carpet, etc. none of this would happened if I was single.”

Confessional #25781990

“If I lived alone I’d have no problem cleaning...bc I would never make the mess my family does!”

And living in our family’s constant mess makes us fantasize about being alone someday. Sorry-not-sorry, fam.

Confessional #25782602

“Love that my kids want to learn to cook. The mess though!”

Confessional #25781753

“I love my kids, but I don’t want to play tag, army men, Monopoly, or do crafts that take forever and make a mess.”

We know we should be more fun and do all the special memory-making but we also know it will just lead to a giant mess for us to clean up after.

Confessional #25779758

“I'm doing everything "right": relaxing standards, delegating chores, focusing on just one thing at a time. But the truth is, I live in constant mess no matter how much I clean (Thanks, kids) and it's really getting to me.”

Confessional #25776150

“When I was a SAHM the house was easy to keep clean and running smooth because no one was home to mess it up. Now everyone is home, it looks like a mild case of hoarders.”

Confessional #25780954

“It’s noon and these kids can already fuck right off. I want to be a good mom but I have listened to them bicker over lame shit and cleaned up their messes and bitched at them for being messy for 60+ days w no break”

Confessional #25774321

“I keep hearing everyone talking about how they've been deep cleaning and organizing their homes while they're stuck inside. I literally haven't done shit, my house is still messy and will probably stay that way. Kinda feel bad about it.”

And then quarantine hit and we were trapped under the same roof as these people for weeks and months on end. Any chance we had of keeping a clean house was pretty much canceled.

Confessional #25768524

“I hate when people tell me "Don't worry about the mess. You are raising kids, not a house." I still have to live here-I can't relax when all I see around me is a never-ending 'To-Do' list. Mom...NOT maid. #cleanupyourownshit”

For some of us, a messy house really affects our mental health.

Confessional #25785125

“I judge people when their houses are messy (unless they're sick or disabled). I do this because I grew up in a hoard, and it traumatized me.”

And we find ourselves judging others due to our warped upbringing.

Confessional #25771764

“My friend proudly states she's not Susie Homemaker. She also doesn't work. I'm not saying scrub the floors with a toothbrush, but would a little cleaning and organization be so bad? Her place is a hoarded mess.”

Except this person. She’s just judging for the sake of judging, and that’s not cool.

So if you’re living a never-ending cycle of laundry folding and dish washing and toilet scrubbing and you are desperate for your stinky family to just leave for a day or two so the bathrooms can smell like lemon scented cleaner and not stale urine for once, I hear you. Same. Boat.

My family isn’t going anywhere and I do love them to pieces, so I’ll keep pushing laundry piles out of the way that no one seems to notice but me, and I’ll keep putting shoes back in their cubbies that don’t belong to me, and I’ll keep nagging the people I brought into this world to put. away. their. shit. and flush the damn toilet. They will, and then they won’t. And then they will, and then they won’t again. And round and round we’ll all go, forever, on this dirty-ass merry-go-ground we call parenthood.

The post From The Confessional: We’re Tired AF Of Cleaning Up Everyone’s Sh*t appeared first on Scary Mommy.

Ask Scary Mommy: I’m Not Excited About My Sister’s Pregnancy

Ask Scary Mommy is Scary Mommy’s new advice column, where our team of “experts” answers all the questions you have about life, love, body image, friends, parenting, and anything else that’s confusing you.

This week… what do you do when your friend or family member is pregnant and you’re not excited? How can you be supportive when you are feeling anything but happy? Have your own questions? Email advice@scarymommy.com

Dear Scary Mommy,

My sister is pregnant and I know I should be excited but I’m just… not. I had a miscarriage two months ago and her pregnancy makes me feel sad and envious. I try to put on a happy face, but talking to her has become so painful that I’ve found myself avoiding her. I love my sister and wish I could feel more excited for her, but I just can’t seem to muster those feelings. I feel like an awful person and a terrible sister. Am I? How do I make myself feel happy for my sister?   

First of all, no, you are not a terrible sister or an awful person. You are human. A human with complicated feelings and emotions. What you are feeling is completely normal too.

Second, I’m so very sorry about your recent miscarriage. A miscarriage is a traumatic event with physical and emotional impacts that are not always seen. It may have a lasting impact on you for years to come.

Finally, you aren’t alone. Almost 12 years ago, my sister and I were pregnant at the same time, due within two weeks of each other. I ultimately had a miscarriage; she went on to deliver a healthy baby girl a few months later, while I was struggling with another miscarriage and infertility issues. It took years for me to come to terms with the complicated feelings I had about her pregnancy, and even holding my new niece made me want to cry. But under it all, I loved my sister and my niece immensely. Eventually those difficult and unsavory feelings dissipated. Life moved on, and time does heal most wounds.

For now, I suggest you acknowledge your feelings and give yourself some grace to feel these emotions, as unwelcome and strange as they might be. You might want to consider letting your sister know that you are struggling and the reasons why. She will likely understand, and it could prevent any misunderstandings about why you are having a hard time connecting with her now.

Oftentimes the shame we put on ourselves for unwanted and less-than-desirable feelings is worse than the actual feelings themselves. You may find that just by acknowledging the sadness and envy of your sister’s pregnancy may lighten the heaviness of them.

It may also help to find ways you can be supportive of your sister without triggering your own miscarriage trauma. If there are things that are just too painful, try to avoid them as much as you can. There are many ways to be supportive, after all. If planning a baby shower would be too painful, pass that off to your sister’s BFF. Maybe you can research baby strollers and gift the new baby with a kick ass set of wheels instead. If decorating the nursery makes you feel ragey, make a few freezer meals for the parents after the baby arrives. If talking about baby names makes you want to burst into tears, tell your sister you’d prefer to be surprised and ask if you can stick to celeb gossip for a few months.

Bottom line: you went through an emotionally distressing, life-changing experience. Your feelings – however unpleasant and unwelcome – are valid and understandable. And don’t worry, they are absolutely no reflection of how much you will love your sister’s baby. Trust me, I have an 11-year-old niece who I love to pieces to prove it.

The post Ask Scary Mommy: I’m Not Excited About My Sister’s Pregnancy appeared first on Scary Mommy.

From The Confessional: Stay-At-Home Moms Get Candid

Some say it’s the hardest job in the world, and others envision it as slouching on the couch all day eating chips while the kids run amok. The world of the stay-at-home mom — SAHM for short — is steeped in speculation and controversy over whether it’s an ideal situation, or a classic case of the grass being greener on the other side. So it’s no wonder that the SAHMs in our Confessional have such mixed feelings about it.

Regardless of our varied opinions, I think we can all agree on one thing: Being a stay-at-home mom would be a hell of a lot easier without the “mom” part.

Because although staying at home sounds lovely and relaxing in theory, it’s actually not the permanent vacation some (ahem, most) non-SAHMs think it is. People seem to grossly overestimate the amount of “free time” in a SAHM’s daily schedule.

Confessional #25768400
“The thing I miss most about working is that while I was working, no one expected me to do anything else. As a SAHM, everyone, including DH, thinks I have tons of free time to do everything for them.”

Confessional #25755496
“Honestly thought SAHM’s should keep everything spotless/have dinner waiting. I’m not that old fashioned, thought it fair since the other partner is commuting & working 8 hours. Haha dumb bitch. Joke is on me… SAHM for 4 years. Didn’t factor in the kids.”

Confessional #25765398
“I love these people who have never watched their own kids by themselves for a day or for a few hours without screens who like to tell me I should ‘take in and watch a few kids’ while I’m a SAHM. If you don’t pay my bills, shut your fucking trap.”

It takes a lot of work, most of it “behind the scenes,” to keep a household running (especially when there are kids running through said household) — and it’s always kinda satisfying when someone else finally gets a taste of what we do on the daily.

Confessional #25767926
“SAHM here. Just started working nights on weekends (loving it too) and I have to say it’s so satisfying when I get texts about how hard it is to watch the kids. It’S So HarD tO WATch THe KiDS! Pfffffffttt he needs to STFU.”

Because sooooo many people mistakenly think that just because we don’t bring home a salary or benefits, or punch a time clock, being a SAHM isn’t a “real job.”

Confessional #1724725
“I wish he would understand more that being a stay at home mom is hard work too.”

Confessional #1475099
“I’m a stay at home Mom and my DH works outside the home. He tells me all the time he wishes he had my ‘job’. Please! Let’s trade! PLEASE!”

Confessional #1344189
“Love being a stay at home mom but hate when people say ‘oh so you don’t have a job.'”

Actually, anybody who’s ever been a SAHM can tell you that it is abso-freaking-lutely a job, one with zero sick days or lunch breaks, where you’re required to wear all the hats. In fact, in a 2019 study, Salary.com revealed that if stay-at-home moms were paid for all the things we do, the salary would be a whopping $178,201 per year. So stuff it, haters.

Confessional #25760581
“I am not the least bit ashamed or apologetic about being a SAHM. I work hard, serve my family and community, honor my husband, and participate fully in my children’s education and extracurricular activities. I also respect and applaud working moms 100%.”

Of course, though the constantly on-call SAHM gig can be grueling, we can’t say that it doesn’t give us a little extra flexibility in certain areas, and some of us thoroughly enjoy the perks of the stay-at-home mom life.

Confessional #1603774
“I really love being a SAHM, but I fake bitch about it to fit in with the other moms.”

Confessional #25752381
“SAHM and literally the only thing I miss about working outside the home is a guaranteed lunch break and the opportunity to pee alone.”

Confessional #1625801
“I love being a SAHM. I can do what I want just so long as the kids are settled. Dh thinks I’m working hard all day but right now I’m just sitting on the couch watching tv with dd2. Love it!”

Confessional #25764866
“Introvert here. Love my SAHM gig.”

Confessional #1512727
“I LOVE being a stay at home mom. Dear friend who called me useless….. You can suck it!!!”

Confessional #1546606
“I love being a SAHM, ice cream and jelly for breakfast woohoo!”

Confessional #1689346
“I fucking love being a stay at home mom and cleaning/organizing my kid’s toys,doing laundry, mopping floors all day. I know I am supposed to pretend it sucks but I hate grown ups so I don’t want a job!!”

Even factoring in the good things, though, there are a few common themes that a lot of SAHMs struggle with: disillusionment, loneliness, and the nagging feeling of not having a damn purpose. Sometimes the mental and emotional toll is the hardest part of all.

Confessional #25766120
“I don’t remember what I thought being a SAHM would be like before I started. But this isn’t it.”

Confessional #1769529
“Sometimes I go days without showering and brushing my teeth. I was talking to my daughter in the kitchen, and she yelled ‘oh Mom did you fart?’ Nope, it was my breath. Stay At Home Mom=No purpose in life.”

Confessional #25760630
I feel like a failure. This is a dark cloud in my life. Shouldn’t being a SAHM be rewarding and give me purpose? It does not. Not enough. Everything seems trivial and utterly unimportant.

Confessional #1527590
“I hate being a stay at home mom. I love my kids to death, but I hate being alone with them all day long. I’m sick and tired of the lack of adult stimulation, getting dressed in only sweatpants, and the monotony of my days.”

Confessional #25768284
“I suck at being a SAHM. I never wanted to be one and now I feel like I don’t contribute anything to our lives. Maybe that’s just because H never acts like what I do is at all difficult or important.”

Confessional #1491318
“All my life, all I wanted to be was a stay at home mom. I hate it. It’s making my brains leak out my ass.”

Like any job — and yes, it is a job — being a stay-at-home mom has its good parts and bad. But it’s important to remember that as isolating as it can sometimes feel, we are all part of a huge group of SAHMs who can relate to every single butt-wiping, laundry-doing, screen-timing aspect.

Confessional #25755555
“I feel bad when I hear of other SAHMs having breakdowns but it also makes me feel better. The cycle of a SAHM, doing great, loneliness, feeling inadequate, weight on our shoulders and the constant going is a crazy feeling. Glad I’m not alone.”

The post From The Confessional: Stay-At-Home Moms Get Candid appeared first on Scary Mommy.