My boyfriend runs his hands through my hair when he kisses me. He encourages me and says things like, “Good job, babe,” when I get home from a run. He pays attention to my emotions and my outfits. When I talk to him about something he’s done that hurt me, he is remorseful and wants to make it right. We are able to talk through it after he gives me room to vent, even if I’m being irrational, which I know I can be.
I’ve never had a partner who is able to handle a difficult situation like he can. Instead of being defensive, his first order of business is to work it out while still not allowing himself to be treated like a doormat. It’s sexy as hell.
Speaking of sexy, I could also tell you about the mind blowing sex and how he brings out a side of me I’ve always wanted to explore but have been afraid to. I’ll save that spice for another time, but let’s just say I feel like I’ve hit the jackpot with him.
This man I am with — this man who is respectful and kind, who is generous and caring — feels like home.
I feel like I pre-ordered him years before I met him. I started daydreaming after my divorce about the kind of relationship I wanted and the kind of man I wanted to be with when the time was right — someone who turned me on the way he does and brought out all my best sides. But also, someone I felt strongly enough about to share my kids with.
This isn’t to say things are perfect all the time or he knows what to do at every second and can do no wrong. This isn’t a Disney movie. It’s two divorced people trying to blend their lives with baggage and hurt from their past. It’s hard as fuck and isn’t always pretty.
But I wasn’t sure I’d find someone I could navigate this mess with even though I wanted it so much. Now, all signs are telling me I have found him, and I’m having trouble trusting it.
Things are going so well. I’m so in love with him, and I’m not sure what to do with all the emotions and feelings that flood my insides. I’ve tried more than once to sabotage the goodness so I can stop fearing what feels like an inevitable ending.
Every morning, I have to fight my own dangerous thoughts. My brain wants to search for things I can find wrong with him so I can leave. My anxiety about feeling this good is paralyzing because I know it can end.
The suspense kills me, and rather than sit around and wait for the other shoe to drop, there are times I want to take control and just end it myself. I know this isn’t healthy. I know if I acted on every thought and emotion it would be unfair to him and to me. I know I am dealing with some trauma from my marriage ending, and I try and manage my thoughts. But I am honestly scared shitless I’m going to lose him and this love we have simply because I don’t know how to leave it the fuck alone.
Divorce delivers underlying fear. It’s like a nasty smell you can’t get out of your kitchen. No matter how hard I look for it, I can’t find the source. No matter how hard I scrub, I can’t get rid of it. Even when things are going really well, I don’t trust good feelings. Not yet.
Oh, but I want to so much. I’m well aware I’m building my own self-induced prison, and if I can not sit back and enjoy this, I will lose it.
I am trying to trust. I’ll stop trying to ruin something good because I have no control over how long these feelings will last. And I don’t mean I have to trust it will all work out, because the reality is, it might not work out.
I only have to trust that I will always be here for me. I have to trust I will know how to move forward whether we are together forever or we break up next week. And I have to trust I will be okay if I just let things unfold as they may and not try to search for a damn answer at every turn.
I have to take the hard lessons and days from my past and remind myself that was the stuff that got me to where I am today. I am a happy woman who is in love, and I am allowed to relish in it. I can, in fact, trust that I deserve all the good that comes to me.
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