So much in our lives have associations memories attached with them. It may be a song, a place, a food, a smell, a item of clothing or an experience. It helps us tie together our lives.
Sometimes the feels associated either activates laughter, or anger, or grief, or sadness, and what we choose to do after that bump of feel to honor it or process it or heal through it is pivotal.
Every single time I’ve seen or used this hair dryer recently I’ve felt such gratitude and awe of my mother, and breathed in what she mirrors for me in her true selflessness.
My mom has not only blow dried my hair as a little long blonde haired squirmy girl but she has also done it for me as an adult.
Almost four weeks ago, I was very weak, in pain, and emotional from having surgery.
I had not showered since surgery and my body ached very badly. All I wanted was to feel clean and to have time in the shower to just be still and process.
I was able to get in but it straight wore me out.
I wrapped myself up in a towel and sat on the edge of my bed — wanting to just surrender to the wet hair and towel life and slowly collapse into my bed. She walked in and asked if she could blow dry my hair for me.
How did she know I just didn’t have it in me?
I stood up and for a solid 15 minutes, she blew my hair dry while I was quiet, processing, thinking and just so grateful for her and so grateful I didn’t even have to ask — yet she saw I needed love and help.
You see, this is not the only time.
After I gave birth, I had many feels, many. Finally, everyone but me and my mom left the room. My heart, my mind, my soul, my body was about to explode.
I needed a good long cry in the shower.
This was my first time walking after labor. She helped me up and held me to the small bathroom. I was still wobbly and unsure of this new body and needed to process this life — this new life and the realities that tore my soul apart combined with the beauty of a love I never felt.
She waited outside the shower curtain as I wailed and wept so deeply I felt the whole floor may hear — as her sweet voice from time to time would ask if I was standing up okay and to let her know whenever I was ready to get out but once again, waited patiently for me to be ready to enter back into the world.
Once again, she helped blow dry my hair.
You see, still not the only times she’s helped.
Last year, I was in the Ms. Kentucky United Stares pageant. I got home from a long day of first round and my mom had tears in her eyes, saying that she evidently had spilt something on my gown for the next day.
She had hurried around finding everything and anything to make it look all better. I saw the selflessness in her eyes and reminded her that it all would be okay.
I had a spray tan done for the final day the next day and forgot my hair needed to be washed. I couldn’t touch anything nor get any of me wet.
The next thing I knew she was washing my hair in the sink and as I was curled up facing the tub in the bathroom in a seat from the hotel living room, gazing at my perfectly fine gown hanging in the shower, I saw a glimpse of her once again loving on me by blow drying my hair so gracefully and with not a hint of resentment or frustration or exhaustion even after running around all day.
I picked up my blow dryer tonight and had tears in my eyes. I have never in my life met a woman like my mother. EVER.
She has loved me when I’ve been broken, numb, rebellious, hateful, angry, dishonest, emotional, frustrated, anxious, depressed & has been there right by my side when I have finally stepped into who I am and where I feel I truly ignite & feel at my best.
Her selflessness is something my whole life I’ve tried to figure out.
And I quit trying to figure it out when I realized it’s who she is – it’s how she’s wired & instead of trying to make sense of it I need to try my best to be intentional and mirror it.
Thankful for those moments where something so small reminds you how massively beautiful someone is.
I love you so much mom, and by you loving me, you have has made me a better mom and woman.
When you have these moments, thank your people, breathe in what you’ve received from them, and love them back fiercely.
These people are part of your epic resilience.